Shut Me Up

blocked

2012-01-29T08:03:00.000-08:00

I have not written here for the past eleven days and that's really bugging me. I've thought of a few things I'd like to say but I've thrown them into the drafts folder because...I wrote them and they didn't sound good. Some of it was stuff about depression/recovery and some of it was about Arundhati Roy an activism and such...I guess I'm just not ready to talk about things yet.

So, baby steps. I gotta talk about something.

I can't wait for this month to end. I can't wait for school to end. I can't wait for April, and by extension September...the closer I get the further it seems.

I thought of giving myself a present this year. Nothing elaborate, just something simple. I wasn't able to get it. I tried, but I couldn't. Now I just feel like...I don't know how I should feel like. On one hand I'm just a kid, really, what can I do? Small observer of large world as Auden put it. On the other, I feel like ... you know, I'm turning nineteeeeeen and ... by now I should be able to do things. It shouldn't be so hard. I shouldn't have to depend on anybody anymore, and the frustrating thing is that I still have to.

So I guess no present for me then until maybe April, and maybe not even then. I don't have a choice or a say anymore.

I went to the bookstore and bought a Arundhati Roy book called An Ordinary Person's Guide to Empire...and let me tell you, it's mindblowing. This is because:

Bitch please (If you'll excuse the expression.) . It's Arundhati Roy.
It's essays...but not written academically. Like with hyper-qualifications and ifs and buts and you know all the elaborate buildups and shit? I mean, yes, I love academic essays. But sometimes you're like shut the fuck up, mute the jargon, and shorter paragraphs please and moreclaritylessqualificationthx
BTW, it's written really well.
Yaar, you know, when you read AR you get a view of India that you don't get anywhere else. I mean screw the paranoid parrots on the pakistani media parade because the India they give to you is a fictional one. Half their criticisms are about things that you can't even be sure exist or if their premise is correct in the first place. But Arundhati yaar. Did I mention I want to be bestfriends with her? I do. But anyway, she writes with honesty and she actually knows her shit. But at the same time she isn't doing it to make money or to sound cool — and this is the best part — she is doing it because she wants to reveal to the reader something that has been obscure or hidden or covered up. And she does it with precision, she does it with honesty, and all the while she's got her eyes on the importance of human life right there in front of you. It's incredible. You'll only understand what I'm saying if you read one of her pieces.
I watched half of we (I'm rationing it so it lasts longer), which is a reading of one of the essays that the anonymous filmmaker set to AV. And have you heard her? Listen to her, her voice is musical and full of a power I can't really explain. She's an incredible person.

I am also reading The Night of the Iguana and Other Stories by Tennessee Williams who is my homeboy. So reading-wise I'm having a pretty awesome time.

oh, and this happened:

god, I love Rachel Maddow.

90210 Season 3, episode 4 recap

2012-01-18T03:39:00.000-08:00

Hi! Are you wondering why I'm doing recaps now? I'm thinking of doing recaps for 90210 because I might as well get something out of watching it, right? Right?

I am watching 90210 because it is literally the stupidest show I can watch without barfing or otherwise being utterly disgusted. This is because:

a) it is not as anti-feminist in places as other shows, for example 2 Broke Girls which I tried watching and then quit because they make 'jokes' about rape and that is just sick.

b) Erin Silver.

Erin Silver: In yo heart, making you ignore the terrible, trite
'plot' and complete lack of character development

c) I don't expect anything from this show. Seriously. I expect awesomeness from 30 Rock for example, and from Parks & Rec, and Community. I expect to be Bored But Slightly Amused by House. I watched Veronica Mars because it was friggin BADASS. Awesomness again for Seinfeld. How I Met Your Mother was ok/sort of funny but I am utterly annoyed by the fandom which worships Barney and takes everything he says seriously. See (or actually, don't) brotips for this kind of idiocy.

ANYWAY! Show digressions aside, I don't expect anything from 90210 except for maybe a semi-decent, semi-believable storyline for Silver so I can watch it without my brain making so much of a fuss that I go do something more productive. This is actually pretty awesome because in S03E3, Teddy alluded to John Donne's Valediction. He even said to Silver, "You are my compass foot" and thought it was romantic and I was like OMG!!!

d) Even though I don't expect anything from this show, and probably nobody does, it still manages to somehow, in its own 90210 way, get some semblance of social messages across. This may just be a ploy to get plots, but I don't care as long as they are putting out a message that could help people in trouble. Examples: Adrianna's drug use and Dixon's gambling problem. In season three it even handles the complicated issue of reporting a rape for Naomi, who has a "reputation", has had several sexual partners and has previously made up a sexual harassment case.

So, without further ado, I shall begin my episode 4 recap.

But first, to refresh your memory, this is what has happened so far:

Annie's been asked by The Auntie Who Looks Like Julianne Moore But Isn't if she can have her eggs.

Dixon's ended things with some lady who I do not remember. I think it is pertinent to now mention that I don't remember season one or season two and I am watching season three because season four is currently on break and I don't think I can live without 90210. However I believe this lady is pregnant with Dixon's baby. That sounds strange. Anyhow what's with all this reproductive stuff?
Annie's/Dixon's mom has told his lady that 'You're not pregnant. Stay away from my son.' I don't care who's pregnant.
So on the Adrianna front, Javier has died in a car crash (conveniently) and she stole ten songs from him because he was a jerk to her and because she wanted to be a big star or whatever. However, some guy he knew knows and it's all mysterydramasuspense about what's going to happen next.

Somebody give this girl an emmy

Teddy was drunk and hooked up with a boy.
Naomi told Silver that Mr Cannon raped her but Silver didn't believe Naomi because Naomi hit on Teddy and lied about it and Silver doesn't like being lied to and so believed Mr Cannon who said that Naomi's a liar who's been obsessed with him.
Naomi's been having trouble sleeping and took a bunch of pills. Silver realized that Mr Cannon is at the very least a creep, came around to Naomi's to talk and found Naomi's body.

Ok. Naomi wakes up and of course Silver's right there by her bedside. They Talk and then Silver's like I'm sorry I didn't believe you and then she says, You have to come forward. Naomi says no because she's really not comfortable telling anybody and because she feels that now she has Silver to talk to it's going to be ok. Silver says ok.

Then we're at High School! It's West Bev, right? How do I remember this? Anyway.

Extra extras are extra

So, ok. There's this chick called Ivy in the show. I don't like her. I don't like her face. I don't like her attitude. I don't like her hair. I don't like her character. She irritates me. When her scenes come up I just open up Spider Solitaire and play until her parts are over.

WAIT, WHAT? So Dixon's talking about how he looks like a turtle (yes, I was like...wtf) and Ivy's all like I'm ready! There's something going on about how Ivy has not Done It yet and frankly I don't care.

Then Mystery Lady (for me) AKA Dixon's Pregnant Ex (for everyone else) shows up.

Dixon goes up to her and he's all like What? You're pregnant again? and calls her a liar and stuff. I do not know what this is about. I am mildly curious but not enough to google it. Let's just see how this plays out.

Anyway then Dixon comes back and starts walking with She Who Must Not Be Named and tells her that Mystery Lady is an ex-girlfriend. Now let's see the possible reactions:
a) She Who Must Not Be Named (SWMNBN...hey that sounds like Swimmin' Bun...ok I'll call her that now) will be all like oh it's cool.
b) Swimmin' Bun be JALES. Which, even Karachi bus walas know, you shouldn't be.

I think it's going to be B because Dixon really needs some drama. Anyhow I predict that Bun here is going to poke around a bit.

OK yes! Bun's turned around to look at Mystery Lady. You know, that 'I wonder...' wala look over the shoulder? There is going to be trouble.

Now it's Teddytime. Teddy sees the boy he hooked up with and Silver talking:

What Teddy thinks is going on

So Teddy asks Silver what they were talking about and Silver's like it's about the benefit this weekend and she gets all excited

"Eeee"

and then she has to go. Teddy is relieved.

Then we cut to Adrianna who's mysteriously back in school (she dropped out last season. I know this because it was mentioned like two episodes ago). Silver comes up behind her. I think Silver's not going to have a story in this episode because she seems to be dealing With Other People's Shit. What.

Anyway NO! She has to talk to Adrianna about the breast cancer benefit that's coming up and I got really distracted because of her nails.

Anyway so they're going to have a bachelor auction and Navid's been giving Adrianna 'Zoolander' which is funny but predictable because Navid's the idiot of the show. Which he is. I don't know why SPOILERS! Silver gets together with him in Season 4 or late Season 3, I don't care. So anyway Silver's like, Will you sing at the auction? And that results in Adrianna Drama. Ugh, so this really wasn't about Silver.

So Adrianna's like yeah sure whatevs but I can't sing that song I wanna sing another because that one "brings up some really bad memories" (ooo) and Silver's like ok.

Then we cut to the new guy that Annie's dating. He's reading Twelfth Night. Is it just me or do this show's producers LOVE TN? I saw a poster in Not Julianne Moore's office. This reminded me of my awesome literature teacher, who loves TN and also has a poster in her office. What. Anyway.

New guy has a really nice voice btw. I don't understand the TN motif.

would be the logical result of the TN motif...

So it turns out they're on a date and he's reading Shakespeare to Annie on the date which she says has never happened to her before. Ok. Did I mention that I hate Annie? Not so much in this season, maybe, she's kinda laying low. She's not Annieing up everything. But let's see.

So they make out and stuff and btw this guy is supposed to be Well Read so that's basically all he talks about (yeah, LOL, it's 90210).

Anda Lady/Not Julianne Moore calls. Annie's missed a couple of days of work and she's (Anda Lady) concerned and wants to make sure Annie's ok and stuff and Annie's like yeah I'm ok and they talk and it's ok. Then new guy has to go and Annie says "Alas, alack" which also made me LOL. Ah well.

He does however leave behind his TN! Ooooo.

Then Liam shows up and he's all like 'crashing with Dixon' or something. Whatever. Annie-drama.

Then we cut to Adrianna and the guy who knows she stole Javier's song is all like bas you're my toy now and you'll have to do whatever I tell you to. Blackmail waghaira. Adrianna gets all cry and stuff but she can't do anything. So now she has to go tell Silver ke unless you pay me I'm not going to be able to perform and Silver's like ...* and Adrianna's like ... and Silver's like ... and Adrianna's like ... and Silver gets upset, obvs.

GUYS!!! New guy's name is Charlie. So Liam's jealous and stuff.

Ok! We're back to Bun. Btw, Kelly Lynch is in this show.

Bun has The Talk.

Silver's all like heyyyyyyy why don't we do a dance number for the Bachelor Auction? And everyone's like nooooo except for Teddy. And then Silver brings out Hookup Boy as a choreographer. Surprise!

Annie comes home at night and then Liam's all like, hey, let's do this:

There is not a SINGLE obese person in the entire zip code.

And Annie's all like checking him out and he goes back and he's like Oooh, she's totally in to me. I should show her my soft side! Okay. Okay. Hold up. So if you check somebody out you're into them? Moral: if somebody you may have dated shows up in your bathroom shirtless, do not even look at them because they may think you're into them, even if you're looking at them because you're all WTF DID YOU JUST SHOW UP IN MY BATHROOM WITHOUT A SHIRT? ARE YOU WEARING...ANYTHING???

Navid shows up at Adrianna's and he's all like, You want to get paid?? Adrianna's like stop judging me.

At the benefit, Annie's not talking to Naomi because Naomi called her a murderer (earlier episode: Naomi was upset). Annie's all like I can't believe you've forgiven her to Silver and Silver's like ...

Now we're back to choreography! I bet Hookup Boy is going to touch Teddy. I bet it. I dare you to not do it 90210.

Wow! It didn't happen. However, Teddy called Hookup Boy a faggot and everyone was like :O

Hookup Boy then walks out and Silver (who is still in shock) is like ok let's take a break. Teddy realizes he's done something terrible and follows.

Silver: What the hell was that?
Teddy: He was provoking me!
Silver: *I'm not even going to put up with this shit face*
Teddy: Silver, wait ... I just got frustrated.
Me: LOLWHUT?
Silver: Well, I get frustrated too sometimes, but I don't turn into a homophobic jerk. (walks away)
Me: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH

Bun: I can't believe Teddy went all Mel Gibson.
Then she's all like Let's Do It to Dixon.

Adrianna! So Navid's here (yes, they still haven't kicked him out of the show...wtf) and he gives Adrianna flowers to support her. Then Asshole Manager (because he has so many dimensions) comes in and is all like Get Your Sleaze on and Navid's like wtf.

Then we go to Liam who is cooking for Annie because of the whole soft side thing. He is failing miserably at cooking because this show is all about defying gender stereotyping and then he accidentally sets something on fire and they ~~make out~~ talk and almost make out but then the doorbell rings. This never happens to me. The doorbell ringing randomly, I mean.

Who's at the door? Well, it could be anybody, right? But it's Charlie (New Guy). He comes in and he sees Liam and Liam sees him and Liam's like what're you doing here? To cut the shit, Charlie and Liam are brothers. I know, right? Anyway Annie's like :O

SILVER!! We're back to Silver, and she's at the benefit and making announcements and then Navid shows up in a fireman's uniform. I wish somebody would hose him for it.

He's says he's here because according to the Beverly Hills Fire Code, "This party is too damn hot." Then Silver's all like *fake surprise*. Then everyone comes out dressed as firemen and they dance and strip. The dance is as funny as it is sleazy.

Meanwhile at Annie's, she's talking to Charlie about Liam etc. boring. So Charlie stole credit cards once and blamed it on Liam. Awww, Liam's a softie. Charlie's really going out of the show in like two episodes isn't he? Bechara. The next time you feel used, remember that at the very least you've never been used for "plot". Then be grateful.

Asshole Manager decides that he's going to go 80-20 on Adrianna now rather than 50-50 and she's all like but that's not fair and he's like BLACKMAILLLLL.

Back at the auction, Oscar The British Guy (we'll talk about him some other time) and Liam are sold without a hitch; however, when Dixon comes up Mysterious Pregnant Lady tries to buy him and Silver quickly sells him to Ivy. Then Navid comes up and nobody wants to buy him (duh) and then Adrianna comes in and buys him with her 20G's and this fixes things with Silver. Later Annie shows up and is all like I'm sorry Liam but Liam has to make things Complicated because he has Issues and yeah, he leaves with the girl who bought him.

After the auction is over, Annie, Adrianna and Silver hug and then they see Naomi and Silver's like dosti kar lo na? And Annie and Adrianna, in some of the greatest dialogues of all time, repeat that "She's been awful." and Silver tries to be all like mysterious and She's going through a lot but they don't Get It. Honestly? Can't these two just take a hint and be nice to Naomi?

Then they all come out after Naomi and they're like omg we can't believe it and GUESS WHAT, SILVER TOLD THEM. WTF, RIGHT? Naomi thinks so too. She's like You promised! And Silver's like, They're your friends. What. What. What. But anyway they're all like really nice to her and she reluctantly accepts their sympathy/anger.

HAE KHUDAYA IVY AGAIN??? WHY DOES SHE KEEP COMING UP? I refuse to recap Ivy anymore. Fuck this shit.

OH HEY! Mystery Pregnant Lady is back. Her name is Sasha. President Obama's daughter's name is Sasha! Here's a picture of her:

omggggg

So Dixon leaves with MPL and Oscar sees them in an extraordinarily creepy manner.

At Annie's house, Annie's mom is, by the looks of it, doing her finances because she's making the face I make when I look at the CSS Profile.

Annie comes up and she's all like Mom, your cheque for the charity bounced. And Mom's all like, I'll give you some cash! But then she looks and she doesn't have any. This made me think of The Gift of the Magi for some reason. Anyhow the bottom line is that Annie's family is heading towards Brokesville. So, of course, Annie decides to sell her eggs. Kabhee meray paas koi aisi offer naheen aee, waaah.

Lastly, Mystery Pregnant Lady (who I now realize was NOT pregnant..I think) tells Dixon that she's HIV-positive.

ALSO! I'm sorry I forgot to mention this but Teddy beat up/wrestled with Hookup Boy and now they both have detention. Will they Get To Know Each Other Better? Duh. Silver broke up with Teddy over his homophobia too, and I think this may be the first breakup on tv due to homophobia? Correct me if I'm wrong.

SO THAT'S IT FOR THIS EPISODE! Did you like this recap? I did a lot of mehnat writing this and it is WAY longer than I expected it to be and now I am slightly freaked out. I will do more recaps if that is What the Public Wants (comments), otherwise I'll just stick to doing whatever it is that I do on this blog.

Btw, I ran out of transitive verbs somewhere in the middle which accounts for the disjointedness, sorry.

FINALLY, if anyone (other than Rahima, <3) wants to be 90210 buddies with me, do let me know.

*Things are being said here. They are obvious. Insert creative dialogues instead.

solitude: a change in perspective

2012-01-13T21:40:00.000-08:00

For some time I've equated not being with people with loneliness. Now I realize it's not always loneliness; it can be solitude.

I don't know why but I feel like the obvious things are the hardest to learn.

Like I posted here earlier, I'm going to be adopting zen in order to improve the quality of my life. One of the first articles I read was The Lost Art of Solitude. Here's an excerpt:

The Benefits of Solitude

The best art is created in solitude, for good reason: it’s only when we are alone that we can reach into ourselves and find truth, beauty, soul. Some of the most famous philosophers took daily walks, and it was on these walks that they found their deepest thoughts.

My best writing, and in fact the best of anything I’ve done, was created in solitude.

I thought that this part was the most important, because I really care about my writing/art etc and every day I feel like I should be doing something productive/creative instead of, you know, slacking. I also realized that, yes: the best of everything I've done has also been created in solitude. What's more, it's not been the oh-I'm-alone-and-on-the-internet type, it's been the sit alone and think type of solitude that's best.

Do you ever go to restaurants alone? If you want to go to a poetry reading and none of your friends want to go with you, will you go?

It's interesting because I actually know people who don't do the things they want, like attending plays or shows waghaira just because they don't have anybody who will go with them. Really, why do people do that? Why would you sacrifice something awesome just because you're afraid of what people will think if you're by yourself?

I'm the kind of person who asks friends if they want to go but I'm fine with going alone. Still, sometimes, I feel odd when I'm out alone; like I should be doing something/looking busy. I thought about why that may be (well, clearly, it implies that I do care a little about looking like a weirdo, even if I'm perfectly content being alone) and then I decided I have to overcome it. Honestly, if I'm spending time worrying about what people think then I'm never going to be happy.

Some time back I had a kind of a love addiction? I don't know what it was. Anyway I used to frequently fall for/get obsessed with people. And then I decided enough was enough and that it was utter bullshit to deliberately hurt myself by liking people who were never going to like me back. And then, I felt bad because after that I felt like I couldn't ever love anyone ever again, like I'd broken myself somehow, and I panicked for a bit. The reason I mention this here is because after cutting away the feelings I had there came a time when I didn't feel anything...and then it was all right; I went from kind of tying my self-esteem to other people to slowly, gradually, learning to not tie it to them.

I also learned that the one thing all these people had in common is that they knew how to be alone. It sounds strange, but I'm actually most likely to love somebody who doesn't need other people (or me) to be happy i.e. someone who is unashamed to show up alone; someone who does silly things, but not only for other people.

So, yes, loving yourself comes first. It's a long and hard road to be on, and if you try to explain it to anybody you just sound sad and forever alone to them. Ignore that shit. I've found that the more comfortable I am being myself, the happier I am, and the less I care about what other people think. I hypothesize that ultimately most people have wanted to do something for/by themselves but haven't because of how they think they will be seen by other people. Seriously, just ask your friends and the futility of the whole exercise will be apparent.

"You're either vastly weird or painfully boring when alone. You're going to learn this The Hard Way."
source

I am totally the vastly weird type. The hours I've spent in my room doing weird shit from making guitar picks to practising my TED talk (one day!) to laughing my head off (my family is awesome about this. They don't come running when I literally fall off the bed laughing because of something I read) to making a small paper bathtub for my wall to burning my old shit...I've had some great times by myself. And as I think about it, I wouldn't be the person I am without the hours I have spent being on my own. 'Being on my own' sounds like 2-1=1. That's dumb. Being with other people is 1+1=2 instead. I'm glad I've realized this.

I've never really thought about living alone. Now I'm considering it as an option. I'd actually really enjoy it because being alone at home makes me pretty happy and I dance around everywhere and sing really really badly and Find Inner Peace. Of course, being alone at home is one thing and living alone is another. But the more I think about it, the better it seems. Maybe for a year or two if not forever.

interlude

2012-01-12T05:19:00.000-08:00

Love After Love

by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

I believe in bokononism. It started as a joke but maybe it isn't anymore. I don't know. I believe in novels, stories. They're all I know. And they're also all I don't know, right?

A friend told me to read this poem a long while back and I just got to it. It's significant because my current thought project is solitude. I will write about it here, soon.

this morning in profundity

2012-01-08T00:05:00.000-08:00

This morning while I was in bed all comfortable and thinking and not wanting to get out and such, a quote came to me.

The quote:

'There was a boy I knew at college. No one important. But the last time we attempted to have a conversation he said, "The insurmountable problem is that when you think of me there's logic to your thoughts."'

—Kamila Shamsie, Salt and Saffron p64

And that made me think: is that what love is? Lack of logic to your thoughts? It seems like a good summation.

Is love devoid of logic? I feel that it is. Does it have to be? Is it always?

Just a thought.

Also, as I took out my copy of S&S for this quote, I remembered that KLF is coming up (eeeee!) on February 11th and 12th. If you're coming, do let me know.

Tip: idiotproof your phone

2012-01-06T06:57:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, I sent a text to the wrong recipient and FREAKED THE HELL OUT. It's happened to me a bunch of times, and has never been short of embarrassing. On a scale of randomness, going from mildly random to pretty random to so random you can't make sense of it, these texts always fall just below so random you can't make sense of it, so I always have to come up with an explanation and because I'm weird this explanation doesn't always sound very plausible i.e. b/c I'm weird what I'm saying is more likely to be misconstrued than understood, especially out of context.

While I was freaking out I was like BAS THIS IS IT I'M DELETING ALL MY CONTACTS EXCEPT FOR THE ONES I REALLY NEED but then I realized why I have these contacts in the first place (in case of emergency, family, acquaintances, work-related, a number for Hulva Puri, numbers of dormant stalkers so I can recognize them when they turn active, numbers of O level tuition teachers etc). I have to keep them, even the ones that I don't really understand, like this number for "Turkish Delight." The number isn't even a home/cell number, it's just a number: 223287917.

edit: OH WAIT I GET IT! I typed it on my phone and it spells out 'Cadbury's'. ...still don't know why it's in my phone as a contact.

I realized I needed an actual system that would prevent me from texting the wrong people, something better than "oh, look before you text" because hello, that doesn't always work. So last night I decided to idiotproof my phone by adding a hashtag (#) to contacts that I don't usually text (or people who can't handle my weird). So, yeah. It took a lot of time. I have a lot of people on my phone! At the end of it I have only thirteen contacts and a bunch of home phone numbers without the hashtag. Everything else looks like

#Abc
#Def
#Ghi

and at least in my phone anything with a special character comes after the regular alphabetical list so now I never have to text the wrong person ever again because to get to the wrong person I first have to search hashtag numbers. Everyone I usually text is in the regular list and so easier to get to.

Why didn't I think of this before?

Notes: facebook birthday reminders

2012-01-05T22:12:00.000-08:00

Hi. Are you on facebook? If you are, then you might've seen the birthday thing that reminds/strongly urges* you you to wish someone a happy birthday.

It's funny because unless you know everyone on your list pretty well (or have only added your actual friends), there will come a time where you will look at the reminder and wonder if you should wish falaanfalaan birthday person a Happy Birthday. Well, actually, maybe that's just a question for me. I actually wonder about whether I should wish people I don't know very well. This is because a) it's fake. I didn't remember their birthday. I don't care if it's their birthday. I don't ever talk to them. The only reason I'm wishing them is because a machine told me to and b) they know it's fake. They know I didn't remember their birthday. If they have ever had a conversation with me, they would know I don't care if it's their birthday. They don't talk to me either. They know the only reason I'm wishing them is because a machine told me to and c) I don't see the point. Am I being nice? Does this qualify as kindness? Can you force kindness? HOW WILL ME WISHING/NOT WISHING THEM MAKE A DIFFERENCE?

This picture of Rachel Maddow adequately reflects my own confusion
via (of course) fuckyeahrachelmaddow

This is what happens if you're crazy. You have entire arguments for- and against- the motion THB Najia Should Wish FalaanFalaan On Her/His Birthday in your head. Then about 75% of the time, Against wins. Against's closing statement is that, No, it isn't bad to not wish somebody you don't know, because how does indifference equal ill will**? It doesn't. For is wrong in equating a non-wish wish with goodwill, because how can said goodwill, which did not exist before (again do not equate non-existence as negative here), suddenly be born of a birthday wish? That's right, it can't. Hence not only is the wish a non-wish due to the appropriate backing sentiment still being lacking, Against declares the birthday wish to FalaanFalaan being a hypocritical sham and highly encourages this house to instead focus on real issues, such as CollegeApps.

But I have a terrible memory
It's true, and it sucks in this case. Sometimes for the life of me I can't remember the birthdays of people I love (for example I actually asked one of my closest friends when her birthday is because all I could remember was "it's in early january." SHAME). This is usually the case if their birthday falls on a date after the tenth of any month. I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON.

In this situation, yes, sometimes I rely on facebook. Or I just ask them. They know mean well. I think.

The wall of lol ka sociological analysis
If you're bored and it's someone's (hitherto referred to as the subject) birthday, go to their wall. Now see if you can tell how many people actually remembered the subject's birthday/give a shit that the subject was born. Here are the three loose categories to check if the wish is in earnest or if it's just social norms at play.

1. The lazy wish. Also: the social norms brought me here wish, the I don't care if it's your birthday wish, the I think I'm a nice person because I'm wishing you wish, etc.

This is generally a simple "Happy birthday". Interestingly, this wish also reflects the attitude of the wisher, signified by the punctuation following the wish. Things are awkward between us/we had a fight? Go with a simple "Happy birthday." Wanna convey sincerity but don't know the person? Add an exclamation point. I postulate that, even though I haven't seen it yet, the question-mark wish must also exist. After all, Popper and the 99 swans thing. This category also includes any and all smileys.

2. A slight variation on category one.

What? You're on someone's wall and all you see is a bunch of category one wishes and want to stand out? You want to look like you give a shit, but don't really know the person. Solution: add a generic sentence like "Hope you have a great one!" or "Have a blast!" or, the one that is completely asinine, and hence the refuge of wishers who are wishing the subject on the subject's 18th or 21st birthday, "omggg you're legalllllll."

You can add any of these phrases to category two, they're all equally relevant.
via iamteamtegan

Let's talk about omggg you're legalllllll for a bit.

omggg you're legalllllll is really interesting. I want to do a survey of all omggg you're legalllllll wishers and find out their motives. Draft question:

Why did you say omggg you're legalllllll?

a. Because I didn't have anything to say

b. Subject can now drive, or drink, or both, and I am happy for the subject.

c. Subject has been doing things which may or may not be legal, I don't know stop harassing me do I need a lawyer?

d. I'm fucking jealous and don't know what it's like to turn 18/21 and in saying omggg you're legalllllll I mean fuck you, I wish I was legalllllll and free to do whatever I want.

f. I didn't know any better.

e. All of the above

3. The genuine wish.

The genuine wish goes above and beyond the customary and generic. It's in your face and it's a friggin paragraph. It's impressive because the wisher seems to care/know the subject. However, it may seem that the genuine wish is genuine even when it's not. It may be the aspiring genuine wish (which we shall call category three prime, denoted by C3'), which is when the wisher used to be close to the subject but isn't any longer, or has spent a lot of time with the subject but doesn't know her/him very well, so it'll look like this:

remember when we were in first grade and you broke my scissors and I didn't forgive you till we were in fifth grade? loll, crazy times. but we've come a long way since then :) happy birthday! :*

It's easy to expose the aspiring genuine wish. But if it isn't C3' and doesn't fit into categories one and two, then it probably is a genuine wish. Congratulations to the subject, s/he has real friends.

Conclusion: categories one and two are fakers, category three with the exclusion of C3' are probably not fakers.

Further notes:

1. Yes, I have been guilty of categories one and two at one point or another. This is usually because I have the slightest semblance of care for the subject. This is also the 25% of the time that I have wished people I don't know very well.

2. I always wish people I know very well, in case that wasn't clear. For them I don't have to do the debate, duh.

3. Turns out I was farigh enough to write this post.

Are you a wisher? Have you been guilty of categories one, two or three'? How does that make you feel? Have you ever done the omggg you're legalllllll? Questions and comments, please. I think I should turn this into a research project.

*I can't ever use the term strongly urge (and variants) with a straight face. This is because to me, thanks to MUN, the term merely means "oh I encourage you to do something, I really really want you to do something, but I can't make you do anything because that's just how the UN works. Even if it's global warming and concerns the whole world, ooh, no, can't make you do anything b/c of your sovereignty/boundaries/issues waghaira . So, strongly urge, and will keep pestering you. kthxbai"

**although I do believe that indifference equals ill will in situations of social justice e.g. if you know that there are deep social inequalities and are too lazy to join a movement against said social inequalities or support it or basically DO ANYTHING, your indifference harms people. So it's got the same effect as ill-will, though not as severe. However, birthdays aren't social justice situations.

The First

2012-01-01T08:18:00.000-08:00

I realized that I haven't posted anything since the 17th — two weeks. That sucks, because I feel like I write a lot more often than I actually do.

So. It's the first: another year, another beginning.

I'm currently busybusy with collegeapps (midnight: people are shooting, there are fireworks, someone in the same time zone is probably opening a bottle of wine to toast the new year...and I'm on the computer, freaking out, thinking, CRAPCRAPCRAPIT'SMIDNIGHTINEEDTOSENDTHISINNOW. What an excellent start), but once I'm done, I'll be making some changes to my life.

Last year's resolutions, as you may recall, were to Be Kind and to read/write more. I don't think I was particularly kind in 2011. Was I? If I was, I don't recall. I feel...I feel so disconnected from everyone right now. I think school's made me this way, the system being so cruel and fast that I don't have time to make friends and be nice or to take a break from competing. I am disgusted by competition every day, and yet I cannot exist outside of it. I try to take alternate routes, I try to think: I am not this person, it's just the circumstances. I don't like it because it's dirty — rigged. And when it's not...it's just for the wrong reasons. I don't want be forced to compete. There's a time to try to be better than everyone else and there's a time to improve yourself. Some people say both are possible at the same time, but when you've got as much to lose as I do you don't have a choice. I can't take the SAT fifty times, I could only take it once and I had to do as well as I could; and yet who's going to take that into account? Call me cynical or pessimistic or delusional or crazy, but money definitely affects education, and it definitely gives rich people leg-ups in competitions.

So, kindness, I didn't really exercise it. I did volunteer, though — two jobs that I really enjoyed. I wish there was less school and more volunteering because at least in the Real World I can learn things without being tested and tried.

I think that in 2012, I will continue to try to Be Kind. I've been thinking for a long time now (years) that once I get out of this dirty system I will have time and money to help people out on more than a basic level.

As for reading and writing: well, I did read some pretty awesome books. I wrote some decent pieces, too. But then again, neither as much as I would like to. I think, yes, reading and writing, more of them in 2012.

Which brings me to Zen.

Zen is...how do you define Zen? What comes to my mind first is peace, and then focus. Zen is going to be my escape from all of the stress and negativity and...I sound like a hippie right now don't I? I probably do, but it doesn't matter. I constantly examine/evaluate myself and my life, and I've come to the conclusion that I should not compromise myself. I know what I just said a few paragraphs ago: yes, the system is dirty, and I am in the said system. I know. But I will, to the best of my ability, not compromise myself. I will find ways. I will continue to improve myself for me rather than to get better test scores (funny — my highest SAT score was in the component I didn't particularly study for, Critical Reading. Why? Because all my life I've read for pleasure. I didn't have to learn words to dupe the system to get into colleges. I'm happy about that) or impress people/colleges. I will focus on the important things and develop more focus so I waste less time.

Tall order, but not really: it's a promise to try to live as I've always wanted to, as I should. It's worth the effort.

Last year I wrote that 2010 was a shit year, and I stand by that. Was 2011 a shit year? Not particularly. It was more of a "meh" year. If the pattern follows, 2012 might actually be a good year.

Here's a list of all the bad things that happened to me:

1. The post below. But I'm over it, no really I AM, thanks to SJK, Jaahil and nuclearbattery and helpful comments I got from people I don't even know.

2. Intermittent depression

3. Fucking AS levels

4. I can't think of anything right now.

The good:

1. #4 above. Seriously. It indicates that finally my depression has subsided somewhat and I'm not as miserable as I used to be. It got really, really bad at one point. I'm glad I got through it and that I'm better now.

2. Karachi Literature Festival. Always the highlight of my year, even though it's only been two years since it started.

3. I still have very cool hair.

4. I have hope, goddamnit.

So: Zen, Reading, Writing, Kindness, Real Education.

What are your resolutions? Or are you too cool for resolutions? Any awesome new year stories? I wish I had a cool story to tell (no coolstorybro-style sarcasm intended). Maybe I should make one up.

First song of the year: First by Tegan and Sara (appropriate)

They're gonna wear you down
Until you're thin and tired tired tired
Of wasting time in the fast food line
I decide to walk the fine line
And celebrate life celebrate death
I choose to celebrate
The first to come the first to go
The first to say yes the first to say no
I'm gonna seize this moment

Yes, everything can change in a day.

2011-12-17T22:33:00.000-08:00

....

Yeah.

Remember that I went for ED? Well, the college deferred my decision. LOL@me.

LOL@two years of dreaming.
LOL@this college shaping the very way I think of college.
LOL@me seeing this college everytime I imagine myself at college. Like, the buildings, the scenery, the bloody landscape.
LOL@feeling like I've been thrown out of a ship and into a boat in the middle of the ocean.
LOL@thinking I'd get in.
LOL@people telling me oh, deferred doesn't mean a no.
LOL@me being the student telling everyone else all about this college, urging them to apply, telling them they have a chance.
LOL@the prospect of having to tell EVERYONE that no, maybe it isn't clear to the college that I belong there.

Just laugh. It's funny.

I was in my room, writing down colleges and deadlines and requirements on my mirror. In the corner of the mirror's a small card that says "Is not parody the eternal lot of man?" -Kundera. And that made me realize that, well, yeah, it's funny. Parody.Structurally, technically, this story's just got a strong vein of irony. So, in terms of it just being a story, it's sad and funny at the same time.

Kundera's been enchanted by jokes. I haven't read The Joke (one of his novels) yet, but now I especially want to. The guy makes sense. And he was born on April 1st.

Parody.

I've actually opened up the letter several times just to make sure they didn't make a mistake (or that I read it wrong, or that it was a dream, or that ohidon'tknow they got me mixed up with someone else?). Though I think I probably would've done this if I'd been accepted too. Haha.

This is a break. Not break as in "short period of time, like an intermission" but break as in "things aren't going to be the same again. This is the end of a period. Now everything will be influenced by the narrative that precedes it, but it is not continuity - it is a ununtwistable twist."

Fuck, why is everything a story to me?

Probably because it's the only way things make sense, I guess. Else I'd fucking lose it.

So now I apply to other places. Write those essays after all. Fill out more aid applications. Also, watching a lot of 90210 is helping. I mean, seriously, Jessica Stroup.

I'm thinking it's time for a change. Maybe I can make this a clean break. Change everything, throw the past couple of years out the window, stop staring at the college poster in school and thinking, Someday, get my fucking act together and row, row, row my way out of this mess.

I can do it.

I'm going to get to college even if it kills me.

Even if it's not my first-choice college. Maybe my first-choice should be a place that actually wants me.

I'm rowing my way out of this. And I'll do it even if there is a tiger in my boat. If Pi can do it, so can I.

I'm going to college.

[stay tuned for parody or progress, for a peek at whether pi prevails over parker, for purposeful pakistani vs pernicious pedants]

Get some vitamin :D

2011-12-15T00:04:00.000-08:00

so I'm on kind-of winter break and that translates to VACATION.

I really, really deserve a vacation. I've worked really hard this term. And this (well-earned) break from parhai/school-related tension is GOOD. I'm using it to stock up on Cool Movies (can you believe I just saw Black Swan yesterday? I mean wtf WHY DID IT TAKE ME SO LONG) and Good Shows (Community, 30 Rock waghaira) and I am planning to actually go to openculture.com and take a class or two. I even started one about art.

Feeling good is not easily describable. It can only be explained in terms of how not unhappy I am, I suppose. So I am moderately not unhappy. I am going out. I am looking at new things. I am feeling things other than depression and boredom. I am thinking, but not too much.

Only problem with this vacation is that this is an in-between period, and I need to be working on collegeapps. Collegeapps are a funny situation right now.

You see,
a) I don't want to do them
b) I may not have to do them
c) I will probably only know the answer to whether it is a good idea to do collegeapps or not is at a time when I should be done with them. This is because
d) I ED'd.

Yes! I don't know if I've mentioned this before here but I have been productive enough to ED (Early Decision). So, if I get accepted/get enough aid, done deal. I must then withdraw any and all applications to other schools. ONLY PROBLEM IS I'LL GET THE REPLY AT A TIME WHEN I SHOULD BE DONE WITH MY OTHER APPS. Which means that I still have to do them.

Why.

Also, I'm semi-freaking out because I know people who have ED'd to other schools and got replies. I have not got a reply (yet).

So!! To make this vacation a true paradise, A2 has the snake brought (high five JD).

But I'm not complaining. I love the college I've ED'd to.And maybe, just maybe, writing essays will lead to personal growth for me. God knows writing a kickass essay to What does Play-Doh™ have to do with Plato? for U of Chicago was fun (no sarcasm here). But then there's random stupid topics that I don't know the answer and don't consider important enough to think of answers to. In fact thinking about these questions makes me wonder what the college/uni was thinking when giving us the questions. I mean, really, if you want to be "innovative" or "cool" or "insightful", just give totally wacky essays. If you don't, give us serious essays. There is no in-between. And if there is, there shouldn't be.

Anyhow, today I actually stepped out of the house to get some sun. It felt good. Sunlight's supposed to cheer you up. As the song goes, I work so much I miss the sunshine away. So sunlight's awesome. Then I found a football and played for about half an hour, re-learning the shape of my own foot and dancing around taking shots. It was nice. Afterwards when I came in I didn't feel cold anymore AND my body felt looser and I had more energy. I sound eighty. But really. It was good.

Also: wisdom: if you want to go and ironically watch Breaking Dawn, DON'T. Really. I did this and it was a mistake because half the movie is R-Patz with his shirt off and we know how disgusting that is. You can't irony that away. And to restore the balance of unsavory sights, K-Stew being pregnant means she actually looks like something is sucking her blood, and the other half of the movie when R-Patz has clothes on is when they make K-Stew look terrible and so there is really no redemption. People make fun of Renesme's name in the movie, which is funny. Btw, the filmmakers chose a very good-looking girl to play Renesme so that it looks less stupid for Jacob to fall in love with the fucking baby. So ironically watching breaking dawn is only a good idea if you're crazy like me and your friends can keep up with your commentary about the pro-choice agenda.

depression

2011-11-17T23:20:00.001-08:00

When you see all that you can be, that glittering pinnacle of yourself, that happy, well-adjusted version that has everything you can possibly get...things change. When you obsess over that self, things change. And not always for the better. Sometimes they change for the worse.

Sometimes you can only think of how you'll never be that person, you'll never be happy, you'll not get to be who you want. Sometimes it's because of you and sometimes it's because of the world. They tell you, change yourself, stop whining, stop blaming the system, the fault lies within you and your attitude. Be better, they say. Be happy, they say. Eventually the lines get blurred. You don't know if it's your fault, if you wrote a bad piece or got low marks or didn't do your best or didn't speak up often enough or just didn't try hard enough...or if it's just because there are rich people and it won't matter how hard you try because the world is unfair. Learn to accept the world is unfair, they say. Like it will make things better. Like the sun will turn purple if you accept facts to be facts and somehow for them to be okay like that. There will always be inequality, they say. Change your attitude, they say. Stop expecting so much, the corner of my mind says. This corner should just shut the fuck up.

I don't think I'll be happy unless I'm in control of my life. I've been toying with this idea for a while now, trying to figure out if I can be happy otherwise. If it's possible or worth it.

Of course it's possible. Anything is possible, really, when you think about it. In the absolute sense, of course. That's what I believe. Foolish as it is perhaps it's how I get things done. So yes. It is possible. It is possible to change the most important things about myself. I have destroyed my capacity to feel, slowly, and I've been very successful. So anything is indeed possible when it comes to changing myself because I have control over myself, at the very least. That I can change, mould.

But then my self as it is will cease to exist. I won't be me and the undertow, the signature, the years and years' worth of memories will pull at this new me. Maybe I can get rid of that too. Maybe. Destroy myself, everything that makes me me. It's possible.

I feel like I am going crazy except I don't believe in madness. I think it's just a social construct. I do believe in sadness, though. When a person is sad they can do anything. Same goes for anger. When you're happy why would you want to go do something bad? You're so busy being happy you don't think about it. But when you're sad, you want to escape that prison and just feel something else. Anything, at times, is better than that. When you're happy things have consequences. When you're sad you don't give a fuck because how much worse can things get? Sometimes you just want to see how much worse things can get.

I'm used to being depressed but it never used to be this bad, I never used to feel like crying so often. Maybe all this shit has really broken me. This pressure. On top of all of it, them saying it's possible to be better. Do better. Take more pressure. Just so you can get the things you want and possibly escape this feeling.

I don't know where I am but I just want to get out of here. Sometimes it's like, Go, just go anywhere. You know how Alice goes up to the Cheshire Cat and goes all, Where do I go now? This way or that way? And the Cheshire Cat is like, Depends on where you want to go. And Alice says, I don't really care -- and the Cheshire Cat is like, Then it doesn't matter where you go.

I know of a place where the grass is green and where smart people actually live (they not only a figment of my imagination, brought forth to counter boredom and frustration with stupidity). Where I won't feel like I have to push everything I think and feel into a little box and bury it. But for now, anything will do.

mad girl's love song, right back at you

2011-10-27T10:29:00.000-07:00

I wish I could write a proper, nice tribute to her but fortunately for the world someone has already done it better.

I've written the following in a flurry, so you can just skip it.

I love her poetry; it's, well, pure. It's raw, bordering on the emo, and yet it's fresh. You don't get all 'oh that's just bs teenage angst' when you read her because underneath those simple words are images she's constructed with artistry. And that's the difference between a poet and somebody just 'expressing themselves.'

But I must also mention how much I feel I can identify with her. And I'm sure a lot of her readers do, from one angle or the other and so she's not just some person who put words on paper but a living breathing being who speaks, even now, through her poems.

I know it's terrible that over the years her life and death have become...entertainment. For public consumption. Turned into a movie so everybody can see it. Her daughter wrote an open letter about that. I agree with it. But I also feel that other than just the shallow sensational types, again, a lot of her readers can identify with her. And so her story is also really important.

It's important to me as a girl/woman who writes.
It's important to me as a person who doesn't feel ok all the time.
It's important to me because she was brilliant and cool and ... other things got the best of her.
It's important to me because, well, it's important.

I have a list in my head, humanity vs humanity, and as each of my heroes/heroines have fallen in history, I've taken a note. It's not just her. It's...so many people, and the tragedy, the waste of it all , for all kinds of stupid petty reasons...overwhelms me.

reflection

2011-10-13T09:34:00.000-07:00

You get hung up over shit. It's interesting, I think perhaps everyone's obsessions are interesting., because they reveal so much.. One of Hamlet's obsessions is death. I take Hamlet as an example here because it's an easy one to understand. So he thinks, he talks about it pretty much every time we see him. And although he doesn't come to a lot of conclusions what is interesting is that his take on things keeps changing.

So I correct myself: people's interpretation of their obsessions is interesting. Of course there's events in your life that you dwell on, that shape your perception of the world or even your life chances. And there's thoughts, ideas, questions that stay with you. Like: is beauty important? Plato thought so, on a lower level. I don't know what I think. Oscar Wilde worshipped it.

One of the events that I'm kind of mildly obsessed with/amused by is the time when I thought I'd won the lottery. I'm not going to tell you the story because it doesn't matter. What really matters is what happened during and afterward, in my head. During the time I thought I'd won the lottery and the kind of shit that followed.

Anyhow during, I realized that I wanted to spend pretty much all the money on a Tegan and Sara concert in India. It became a part of my consciousness. This was...last November I think, and since my thought/analysis process usually runs a year late, I think I can talk about the time and kind of pull things out of it and think about them. It was really exciting because watching T+S in concert would be ... magical.

At the time I was fairly miserable (when am I not? Well I'm fairly stable for now) because I'd just started at a new school and I just wanted to go away and go to college and couldn't understand the point of having to do one more year of education (I still don't). But it was fused with more melancholy and depression than I can express or explain. It was a lonely time, and it was difficult because I thought I was alone. T+S usually make me feel better. So.

It was the unreality of it that was attractive, too. I don't particularly care for an India trip (actually I don't really care for an Anywhere trip because I don't really care for travel) but at the time I was ready to go. Ready to even catch a train and get to Hard Rock Cafe to meet Tegan and Sara and maybe hug them and tell them the story of my life. Cheesy, yes. But that's how things go down in your head. But it was mostly about the concert. Being so close to them singing, playing music. Listening to their stories. It was the experience, the magic of it, a magic that was eluding me. It is still, but I've learned to somewhat bury that feeling.

So like the lottery thing just happened in my head, so did the concert. India haircut Sara and India haircut Tegan playing a concert are in my head. A concert happened. I don't know about later but I think this is really one of the things that I feel like I missed out in life.

T+S have made a brand new DVD and it contains their India concerts, plus footage. And I really, really don't want to watch it because just the trailer has managed to make me sad.

so here are my traffic stats - latvia? georgia?

2011-10-03T07:22:00.000-07:00

United States
87
Pakistan
26
Latvia
17
Georgia
15
United Kingdom
13
Russia
11
Germany
10
Canada
7
United Arab Emirates
6
India
6

Who reads my blog? Very few people, yes, I know. But still. Mostly it's amreekan people (though I don't know why...I don't know a lot of american people), and then there's a bunch of Latvian and Georgian people. Whaaat? Together they make up more than my Pakistani audience! What's going on? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? Please say hi in the comments. Also basically anybody from anywhere say hi in the comments. I'm wondering how you found my blog.

I could've been someone, instead of landing flat upon my ass

2011-09-30T05:30:00.000-07:00

This my hundredth post, so I'm going to dedicate it to the place it came from:

MSI.

Mindless friggin Self Indulgence. Even though I've only heard one of their albums, I got my blog title from them.

They're a terribly offensive band - in jest. I don't know how they work. They're awesome and make me laugh, in spite of my liberal sensibilities. Maybe it's because the way they make jokes that aren't derogatory. OK here's a picture of Jimmy Urine, who would be the craziest guy in the band if Steve, Righ? wasn't a member.

and here's a picture of the band (HI, LYN-Z!!!!!!!!!)

This is the kind of band that does a song called Backmask that has a violent message when you listen to it forwards and messages like "do your chores" and "respect your parents" when you reverse it.

Yep.

?

2011-09-09T05:21:00.000-07:00

There's a list floating around on facebook.

Heres our top list of babies for this year. And now we've added the boys too. See you next year.xoxo

The kind of things that are said about people on the list: "fake from head to toe. nasty ass bitch, known as a hoe. thinks she's getting the men because she opens those legs. it's like hmm, no. this aint a fuckin strip show", "stop smoking up so much, you're losing your face, and your brain cells. not so sure if you're losing your panties to [name removed] daddy" and " just because you're short, doesn't mean you have to go for ever other shorty in town man!!"

It's got people from different schools. Most of these them are class of 2012 (A levels). What the fuck? Why?

coincidences

2011-08-31T07:28:00.000-07:00

Without realizing it, the individual composes his life according to the laws of beauty even in times of greatest distress. It is wrong then, to chide the novel for being fascinated by mysterious coincidences, but it is right to chide man for being blind to such coincidences in his daily life. For he thereby deprives his life of a dimension of beauty.
Milan Kundera

Think about it and let me know how it goes for you. It's definitely made me pick up my ears a bit, think about coincidences and such. Of course, they may all be meaningless. That part doesn't matter. It's not about meaning/non-meaning. It's about beauty.

Upon reflection I've realized that because I'm lazy I haven't been acting on impulses. It's slowed me down plenty, and it's one of the reasons why I haven't been getting much done. 90% of the writing I've done this month has been in a single letter and even that isn't very long. I'm probably thinking too much.

Glee's cover of Bohemian Rhapsody is one of the best things I've ever seen/heard/felt.

On a related note.

I think I'm about to write something very awesome and layered soon. How soon I don't know. Yesterday I was watching TV and feeling like crap, thinking about giving up writing forever because I SUCK but today I feel much better.

Eid mubarak everyone.

trying, trying.

2011-08-30T03:49:00.000-07:00

trying to find some truth.

need ray bradbury.

trying to get life back on track. took a bit of a detour from caring/bothering and found myself no better off. now cleaning out inbox, cleaning room, filling in commonapp, thinking about sitting down and actually studying.

yup, baby steps.

but is it worth it?

2011-08-11T07:44:00.000-07:00

I got all A's, yay, hurray. But I don't feel happy. I feel like I've lost too much of something that was essentially good because of AS level exams. I mean, I enjoyed studying all year but now I just feel like I hate a couple of my subjects simply because of the exam. I lovelove socio but now whenever I'm in class all I can think about is the paper. Funny thing is I had a really bad paper. Yes, that one was the one after which I came home and cried my eyes out because I knew I'd screwed up. Then I vowed to stop being so fucking scared (it was nervousness that contributed to the screwing up of the exam) and to just go and give papers. I stopped caring, and this sentiment (or lack thereof) has persisted. I've stopped caring about the results because they're just not worth it anymore. They don't take into consideration things like how hard you've worked throughout the year. It's a one-shot exam! How ridiculous is that! And yet so much rides on it.

Is that 'You can afford to be so carefree because you got all A's' that I hear? Well, truth is I can't. It never stops you see. You get A's in one thing and then you gotta get more at the next level. And more. And then maybe you don't have enough extra curriculars. You're not a debater. Perhaps you're not a leader. You're never good enough, the system tells you.

Well, fuck it then. I want a real education. I want to enjoy studying! I want to feel like I do when I'm in literature class, like ... it matters. I don't want to come to school and be fed past papers DAMNIT I want to learn fight debate scream! I don't want to know which offerings to bring to the temple of CIE at the expense of KNOWING THINGS. TO KNOW THINGS is why I took the subjects I did.

And this isn't just my school. It's all the schools. There's exceptional teachers, exceptional classes of course. But at the end of the day is it worth it?

smoking authors

2011-08-05T11:43:00.000-07:00

Oscar Wilde

Kundera!

Bukowski

Cummings


T. Williams

pissed off wives are just constipated

2011-07-31T02:45:00.000-07:00

is what kelloggs is trying to suggest! The nerve.

if your thirty-five year old husband cannot find his fucking socks and it's pissing you off, you're probably constipated. here, have some bran. would you like some patriarchy with your breakfast?

looks like kellogg's has not really evolved.

and here's an ad that supports social control. It's not 'sweet' or 'cute', it's stupid and smug and belittling women who don't just stick to their 'traditional' roles.

mqm peace rally

2011-07-30T08:03:00.000-07:00

LOL. MQM and peace? Whut?

Well, this is their latest stunt. Irony ka scene itna crazy hai ke with FULL REALIZATION that a peace rally will FUCK UP HALF THE TRAFFIC OF THE CITY, mqm thinks, 'Hmmm. To ruin people's peace of mind or to not do so?'

It just so happens that whenever mqm is faced with this question, it always chooses to go with whatever causes the most problems. So yes, there was a giant rally and the traffic was blocked.

I mean really. Everyone knows mqm has this whole facade about not being the actual fasadis [try saying that out loud], but this just takes the bloody cake. I was all like REALLY PAPI??? REALLY??? [yes, that's a pun and a reference! ohgodiamahipsterohshit] because, well, I'd stepped out thinking I'd help amma get her banner made and then we'd go to Boat Club and I'd row and maybe have some peace time at the gym, etc etc, but then there were like a zillion buses and motorbikes going towards the port and so it was decided it's best to just go home. Going home took an hour.

What was the point of this rally? I feel like I'm living in 1984 sometimes. I'm sick and tired and everyone is, too, of mqm's stupid harkatien and timewastes and there's just going to be peace if mqm leaves everything alone. that's not going to happen, though, I guess.

so, in other news, I bought a notebook! yay.It's china ka maal but it looks good. The paper could be better, though.

it's been a hell of a year

2011-07-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

it really has been. glimpses:

+ my ass on an concept-2, staring straight at the ergo, wondering what the fuck I am doing and how the fuck I got there, knowing only that I have to pull, pull, pull harder, KICK POWER, DAMN IT, KICK POWAAAAAAA

+ watching a man jump off a bridge, unafraid, straight into the water below. Coach Imran told me they do this all the time for fun.

+ looking at apps for A-level schools, wondering where I'd end up, confused, lost, dazed...

+ being in a car going idontknowhowfast, hitting a speed bump and flying for what seemed like a minute. Just flying. Afterwards we looked for drumsticks that went out the window during the flight.

+ looking at a victim of a brutal rape, the dark marks on her cheeks where the rapist bit her. hearing her story. the quiet couragehopestrength of people pitted against a cruel, cruel system filled with loopholes and assholes. Feeling hopelessly lost, helpless, sad. Feeling angry.

+ amazing literature classes.

+ helping plan a curriculum. feeling like something I've done matters.

+ plays! I went to plays! I like plays very much.

+ that time I thought I'd won the lottery...

+ unlearning fear, slowly emerging .

+ working at frere hall.

mujhe nyu jana haiiiiiiiii

2011-07-17T01:41:00.000-07:00

Zadie Smith is teaching at NYU. I just found out. Unfortunately NYU does not give aid so yeah. I'm going to have to do with trolling the campus? Going all heyhey have you seen Zadie Smith? Have you?

For realz, though, Zadie Smith is one hell of a writer. The kind you want to bestfriendship with. It's not fair. Khair, there goes a degree in creative writing. Looks like imma major in socio after all.

this is a self-reflective post

2011-07-13T06:50:00.000-07:00

Been sitting around lately, hoping for something to happen. Been lounging about in pajamas, putting on pants at times to go out. Have now got a volunteer job, so I go there, work, come back, then lounge about some more in pajamas. Feel apathetic, though the work I'm doing now does stir me somewhat. It stirs a part of me, rather. Stir is the right word, it denotes a faint movement, almost like turning over in your sleep. Yes, it's like that. I am horrified and yet I have a wall deep and thick and high that protects me. I have learned to disassociate and so I'm becoming a ghost.

The state of being a ghost implies transition or lack thereof. I think I am in transition, but I also feel stagnant. And we all know what happens in stagnant ponds: vile things make their homes there and grow. Do I feel vileness growing in me? Maybe, a little. I do not know what to do about it.

I need to go out, like out out, with friends, meet new people. Meeting new people is good, it's nice. Usually the people I meet are friends-of-friends who I'm likely to like anyway, so that's probably why it's nice. Otherwise, yes, as I think of it, I don't feel at ease.

I have dreams nowadays. I feel like I'm dreaming more frequently than I usually do; at any rate, I'm retaining more. I'm also having more pleasant dreams, but ones that fill me with strange, long-forgotten feelings. It's like I've become Xavier (from Life is Elsewhere) and my dreams have begun to take their own kind of space in my life. Sometimes they're so real that when I wake up I think of them and am surprised. Of course they're also filled with strange twists and turns as dreams usually are, but in a dream-like way everything makes sense. I had an interesting analytical chat with one of the figures in my dream and upon waking was much amused to realize that my subconscious has a postmodernist sense of humour.

Upon reflection I realize that I am only really living in my dreams. Yes, that's literally and metaphorically true.

the amma/behen

2011-07-06T09:35:00.000-07:00

Back when I was in a certain school in saddar (not writing the name here because I don't want somebody to google it and find my blog), one fine morning our van pulled up to school and Saba and I beheld the amma/behen: a young woman with a kid. I insisted she was the kid's sister. This probably stemmed from the feeling of utter horror I have every time I see a young woman with kids. Saba said the woman was the kid's mom. And so she was named the amma/behen.

But she's not the only one. Amma/behens are everywhere and they, without fail, strike fear in my heart. It's getting worse as I grow older because my age and their age(s) are converging.

why god why.

going through my old stuff

2011-07-04T13:46:00.000-07:00

Although my computer's still dead, and my dropbox is full of shane mccutcheon, I managed to open up evernote today and BAM I find a bunch of poems. Life is sweet when you have backup.

Of course not all of my creativity is used up on actual writing. A lot of the notes are, well, notes. Cool dialogues/quotes/shit. Also, funny text messages I get.

So, here's some stuff I found, with quotes being in inverted commas (duh), writing being in courier.

"Tu beth ja! Aur sath mei 'chameli' k phool bhi leke jana! Aur bike pe stalk karna! Shiny shirt and tight pants pehn k!" -Bia, on stalking Kamila Shamsie

"Cand-dates you have 5 mints are laft." - Instructions during the urdu paper.

"Canddates PANS DOWN! PANS DOWN!"- Also instructions during the urdu paper.

"Please observe silence silently" - yes, this too.

we met in virtual spaces
and lifted our glasses to what could have been

How Is Your Heart? by Charles Bukowski

during my worst times
on the park benches
in the jails
or living with
whores
I always had this certain
contentment-
I wouldn't call it
happiness-
it was more of an inner
balance
that settled for
whatever was occuring
and it helped in the
factories
and when relationships
went wrong
with the
girls.
it helped
through the
wars and the
hangovers
the backalley fights
the
hospitals.
to awaken in a cheap room
in a strange city and
pull up the shade-
this was the craziest kind of
contentment

and to walk across the floor
to an old dresser with a
cracked mirror-
see myself, ugly,
grinning at it all.
what matters most is
how well you
walk through the
fire.

may my heart always be open - ee cummings
may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

__
I realize I have not been reading as much poetry as I used to. It's a pleasure going through all the poems I have on evernote.

awkward social situations

2011-07-03T01:03:00.000-07:00

Sociology tells us that socialization is the process by which we learn to interact with other people (among other things). Well, either I've been inadequately socialized, or socialization has failed me: sometimes I just don't know how to interact with people. That is not to say that I do not wilfully suck at certain types of interaction. For example:

I'm out someplace and I see somebody I know and I don't want to meet them. What do I do? I RUN (or hide).

That's me being me! If I don't want to see you you shall not see me either. But then there's situations I don't want to suck at and yet I do because I simply don't know what to do.

I see somebody that I know because I read their blog/somebody told me to stalk them/I stalked them on my own/IT'S KAMILA SHAMSIE/we're diiiiistantly related/they're famous/I know them from school or whatever. But they don't know me. What do I do? I have no idea. This has happened more than once. I have two options: either I go up to talk to them at the expense of exposing myself as the creep/stalker that I am OR I just go home regretting that I did not meet them. What the fuck. Nobody told me what I'm supposed to do here.

To expand on the 'famous' situation: really, what is anybody supposed to do when they see somebody famous? What do I do if one fine day I'm just walking around and I see Tegan/Sara? What do I do, after checking my totem? Autograph makes sense. But then what? Bye Tegan/Sara, it was nice meeting you, I've wanted to meet you for the longest time, but NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR WHAT TO SAY SO I'M GOING TO GO?

No yaar. This is not right.

I often feel like I'm missing something. And you know what? Usually I'm OK at face-to-face interaction. It's not too awkward...unless I'm trying really hard to not make it awkward — because then I fail miserably. Whenever I try to be witty/charming, I fail. I can't think of anything to say.

I understand this happens to a lot of people, so why aren't we equipped through socialization to deal with these situations?

ooooh, this just takes the cake

2011-06-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

http://www.foxnews.com/world/2011/06/27/swedish-preschool-fights-gender-bias-drops-him-and-her/#content

"Egalia's methods are controversial; some say they amount to mind control."

"Egalia is unusual even for Sweden."

and

"Egalia doesn't deny the biological differences between boys and girls — the dolls the children play with are anatomically correct."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA OHHHH FOX NEWS

who's coming with me to the liaqat library?

2011-06-26T03:21:00.000-07:00

I just found out that it's open once more, and I really really want to go because a) it's a library and b) it's an excuse to go to Frere Hall, possibly the sexiest building in Karachi.

i have this song on repeat

2011-06-25T01:51:00.000-07:00

in this song tegan does this thing which she doesn't do in her other songs. she has this amazingly beautiful vulnerability here which blows you away. why doesn't she do it on the t+s albums? it's so fucking incredible.

newspaper clippings of interest

2011-06-19T02:06:00.000-07:00

AGE AND GANDER AHAHAHAHAHAHA

go the fuck to sleep - as read by samuel l jackson

2011-06-16T06:51:00.000-07:00

EPICCCCCCCCC

'pakistan's general problem'

2011-06-15T05:28:00.000-07:00

Witty and brilliant and true.

i'm a terrorist cause i have bangs

2011-06-13T03:00:00.000-07:00

went to nadra today to register for a shanakhti card. after my picture was taken i moved on to fingerprinting and then data entry. this process took about fifteen minutes? so i'm at data entry and the aunty goes beta you have to get your picture taken again. because of the bangs falling over onto my face. ok, sure. but what could the bangs be hiding? they don't expect a namaz ka nishan do they? khair, i went to get my picture taken again. except my hair wouldn't stay back.

now, time to back up a little. i got my last haircut in april and my hair's still longish-short which basically translates to i have the shaggy-dog look.

kinda like that, except i'm not kate moennig and i don't ever wear earrings and my hair is wavy and, well, different. BUT YOU GET THE PICTURE.

so the bangs fall onto my face. they have GROWN that way it seems because if i wash them and push them back and everything they still fall forwards. i want to look like a gangsta but end up looking like a janwar.

so, back to the story: amma tried to brush my hair back and it came promptly down, just looking a little messed up. khair i'd to go to the bathroom to slick it back with water.

i came out, got the picture taken, and then was informed that would have to go for fingerprinting again. the why was beyond me so the conclusion i have drawn is that IF YOU HAVE BANGS, YOU'RE A TERRORIST. yes there is a pun in there.

so then i got fingerprinted again and then went to data entry and finally got my form. then checked out my picture which turned out horrible, obviously. as my brother said, i look like a stone cold killer. not like a gangster stone cold killer. just a stone cold killer. like a con. but not even a tegan and sara type con. to get to the point, i just look bad but not good bad but bad bad. eff you nadra camera. because i looked at the picture in their computer. it looked fine. but when it came out on the form it looked weird. wtf?

kamila shamsie talking about karachi (klf)

2011-05-30T05:33:00.000-07:00

Hi. Remember when i promised to update on the klf post? Ummm, whoops.

Now the camera's fixed SO I will be putting up pictures slowwwwly and hopefully you'll see them before you keel over and die of (im)patience.

HOWEVER, I've found something 10000x better and you must see it cause it's KAMILA SHAMSIE. Yes it is KAMILA SHAMSIE. I've just realized that writing her name in caps puts a little bit of my hyperness through to the reader so henceforth she shall not be kamila shamsie or even Kamila Shamsie but KAMILA SHAMSIE. Because. Respect.

I strongly strongly urge you to watch all five parts. Totally awesome session.

priorities

2011-05-21T10:07:00.000-07:00

i opened up my backup (dropbox) today to check if I'd backed up my ~70 poems which are on my other computer. you know, just in case of emergency. my computer's not working right now, windows problem. khair i opened up the backup and guess what? no poems. but a whole folder of pictures of shane mccutcheon.

yes, seriously. i need to prioritize.

WHY WASN'T I JUST BORN SMART

although MAYBE a folder full of shane isn't so bad as comfort for my lack of genius.

house: it gets better

2011-05-14T10:47:00.001-07:00

I wish Olivia Wilde had a little more to say. STILL, NOT COMPLAINING, the world looks 1% better now.

Carol Ann Duffy is Cool

2011-05-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

Words, Wide Night by Carol Ann Duffy
Somewhere on the other side of this wide night
and the distance between us, I am thinking of you.
The room is turning slowly away from the moon.

This is pleasurable. Or shall I cross that out and say
it is sad? In one of the tenses I'm singing
an impossible song of desire that you cannot hear.

La lala la. See? I close my eyes and imagine the dark hills I would have to cross
to reach you. For I am in love with you
and this is what it is like or what it is like in words.

Talent by Carol Ann Duffy
This is the word tightrope. Now imagine
a man, inching across it in the space
between our thoughts. He holds our breath.

There is no word net.

You want him to fall, don't you?
I guessed as much; he teeters but succeeds.
The word applause is written all over him.

Valentine by Carol Ann Duffy
Not a red rose or a satin heart.

I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.

Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.

Not a cute card or a kissogram.

I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
if you like.

Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.

via Famous poets and poems

Whoever has the guts to compare love to an onion?

quickie linkspam (3)

2011-05-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

+ Tattoos. Nicely designed ones are awesome.

+ Play this game. Aloo got me hooked onto it. Share your score with me.

+ Unfortunately, Pakistani companies are starting to pull this shit too. Free internet ftw!

someone, somewhere....

2011-05-07T05:49:00.000-07:00

I have talked about junk mail before, a lot (most of this is on my other blog), but it's just fascinating how over the course of the past 24 hours, someone out there has been REALLY REALLY interested in getting me laid and rich.

I mean, really, your concern is very touching, but WHY?

DORIAN GRAY TO NOW HAVE AN UNCENSORED VERSION

2011-05-04T12:23:00.001-07:00

http://www.autostraddle.com/oscar-wilde-dorian-gray-uncensored-tgay-87457/

CLICK ON IT. YES. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG BEST IDEA EVER.

DORIAN GRAY KICKS HETERONORMATIVE ASS. NOW IT WILL DO SO EVEN BETTER. ILY OSCAR WILDE.

some of us have real issues

2011-05-03T11:52:00.000-07:00

like laddu pandey here.

i blankly note this

2011-04-27T04:09:00.000-07:00

the time i spend playing shooting games is directly proportional to the amount of time i spend on studies.

pulp fiction

2011-04-26T10:32:00.000-07:00

There's this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." I been saying that shit for years. And if you heard it, that meant your ass. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded shit to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this morning made me think twice. See, now I'm thinking, maybe it means you're the evil man, and I'm the righteous man, and Mr. 9 millimeter here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is, you're the weak, and I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm trying, Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd.

...I wanna watch it again! The first time I saw it I didn't think it was all that great, but there's a few things from the movie that have been stuck in my head. So I'll watch it again. And also maybe parts of Kill Bill that aren't completely sickening because the script man. The script.

I've written just a little bit over the past week, and it's been drama, I think I might give it a shot. It's like poetry with effect except the effect can be diluted. I know, poetry/drama is a stupid-sounding comparison. But when you're jumping across mediums you do see similarities. I've got a lot of dramatic dialogue in my notebook but nowhere to put it into. Maybe I'll model a story. Maybe I won't, and write a single-scene dramatic-effect kind of thing.

I feel very tired right now, even though I had coffee when I got home after rowing.

damn it, I was supposed to have a page for poems on this blog. It is still not here.

I read The Glass Menagerie today. I think the short story Williams wrote is better as a medium for describing the, well, story. But drama's another format so can you really expect it to encompass all that prose does? I don't know. I feel that some important parts of the story couldn't be communicated through a play.

While I was reading the play I kept connecting with Tom, even though he was being cruel. I get him. He's got two opposites tearing him apart and holding him together at the same time. He just wants some peace, he just wants to do what he likes to do. Really, how difficult is that to grant to someone? Apparently it can be quite difficult. What a life, man.

time to gay-post

2011-04-25T10:34:00.000-07:00

Hello hello. I'm spending way too much time on tumblr (check out my updated blog list on the right!) and not studying enough. I hate AS levels. I promise I will write something and post it here, just as soon as I have a brilliant idea first.

STARTED WITH THE DESERT

2011-04-19T08:47:00.001-07:00

...so have you guys seen this piece of epicness yet?

lyrics (from the description):

Started with the desert (x2), came from the desert (x2), came in September (x4), life was so difficult nothing in the desert, suddenly with the help of God lfie became much better, proudly attracted by wisdom of the founder (x4), history to remember desert life was harder, King Saud, Faisal, Khalid and Fahad, together stronger they are the maker (x4), make with the desert (x2), rise in the desert. divided in th desert, start in September (x4), life began in desert (x8), King Abdul-Aziz (x4), "hey this is the song Saudi Arabia, sing the song with us, HEEEYYY OYEE!!!", Malik Fahad Bin Abdul-Aziz Al- Sauuuddddd, day by day they build up (x2), time to time they prosper (x2), resided together (x4), no office were in desert no park were in desert no roads were in desert no cars were in desert (x2), the flower the water the park in the desert (x4), students were zero now they are the million hospitals were zero now they are the hundred (x2), pleasure and prosper with guidance of the leader (x2), King Fahad King Fahad the leader of the nation (x2), oil reserve are here (x2), Gold reserve are here (x2), LOVE Saudi Arab (x4), King Fahad is the thinker (x4), King Fahad is the leader (x4), We LOVE King Fahad (x4)

love thy enemy

2011-04-17T09:52:00.000-07:00

LUL, lady gaga took it literally.

mood swings

2011-04-09T11:36:00.000-07:00

feel like dancing and then like crying. I welcome myself to AS levels.

Then I listen to/watch this and feel a little better because I don't have to bother explaining my feelings. Someone else feels this shit too.

Aaaaaagh, just need to survive for now. Survive.

more pearls of wisdom from my phone aka i'm brightest when textin'

2011-04-08T08:19:00.000-07:00

Outbox

"I don't believe in physical contact with the opposite sex at all, ever. Nothing. And you girls would do well to follow my example." -Lindsay Lohan in Freaky Friday

Ladla gujar. My mom says away from girls. On the back of a car.

Drafts

At night the lonely people come out

Tell us about your near-death experience

Jihad general and cosmetics store and cold drink.

Ok uncle and aunty on motorbike with kids in between. Except the kid who looks sevenish is wearing nothing but a pale pink dupatta around his waist.

If life is all a dream, i want to remember you upon waking.

Received
A. Barbies scare me.
B. The thought of you and a barbie together scares the crap outta me.
-Bia

I accidentally sent Bia an empty message. She immediately replied with another blank message. I texted, Sorry, I didn't mean that. She texted back: But I meant it.

Saadia: Today, I spent a great deal of the morning looking for appropriate cat pictures to attach your head to. Time well spent.

Facebook: You haven't texted us in 58 days. Facebook texts will soon be turned off. Reply "on" to continue receiving.
^I thought this one sounded particularly needy and hence amusing

"My neck REALLY hurts and I'm sure you did something to me yesterday."

Woh team semi final jeet gai
.
.
.
.
Faraz
.
.
.
.
.
Jin jambakhto ko yeh nhe pata k noodles khana hay ya peena ;-)

Sir pe undail lo manhoso:p

manhoos din

2011-04-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

On this day in 1895, Oscar Wilde (books by this author) lost his criminal libel case against John Sholto Douglas, the 9th Marquess of Queensberry. Wilde was the author of many works, including The Picture of Dorian Gray (1891) andThe Importance of Being Earnest (1895). Douglas was the father of Wilde's lover, the poet Lord Alfred Douglas.

Douglas had scribbled on one of his calling cards that Wilde was a sodomite and left it for Wilde to find. He misspelled it — it actually read "somdomite" — but Wilde sued him for libel anyway, partly to demonstrate his superior wit in a public space. And when Douglas's lawyer asked Wilde if a certain story that had recently been published was immoral, Wilde responded: "It was worse; it was badly written."

Wit could not protect him, though. He lost the libel trial, was found guilty of "gross indecency" for homosexual practices, and was jailed for two years without bail, which caused him to go bankrupt.

sauce

Oscar Wilde, oh, Oscar Wilde. What a human being he was, incredible and funny and so brilliant. I can't even begin to talk about what a great tragedy the destruction of his life by society was. The loss: can we ever even begin to understand it, to grasp its mere nature?

And no, I don't think I'll ever get over what was done to him.

alliteration is awesome

2011-03-30T23:51:00.000-07:00

Me: I'm reading poems. For our exam.

Saadia: Tsk.

Me:What to do? My panic is at its precipitous pinnacle. Perchance I shouldn't pass? Painful proposition pandering to pessimistic predisposition. Please, this persists, pity! Pestilence!!!

Saadia: HAHAHA NICE ALLITERATION YO!

Me: Thanks for the thoughfulness. This thing's thwacking my thoughts. The tasks tragically take root and thereafter thicken and thwart traces of transparently timely stoppage.

Saadia: Damn, I'm doomed. Dare I declare the depth of my dreary dilemma? Dreaming destroyed and awake despite my drowsiness, dear destiny is draconian. Does it deem nothing doable? Dreadfully dances to drums before me. Devilish hour tis, done I am, tis death.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH BEST TIME WASTE EVER. OR SHOULD I SAY, verily very worth waste?

Saadia: Soothe, speak soft. Simulateously singing songs of swift winged-time and selling me sad sinful stories of distractions, such sweet a heart as mine slowly shyly simply reminds me to study. Sitting on this sofa, sighing sentimentally, soulful searches stop, singed sonnets of freedom aside, study sexy Saadia. Study. And seeing suspicion stealthily steal in, subjects sorrowfully survive.

Me: ...laughter lay low, let's let alliteration lead us to learnedly lucrative livings.

Saadia: Alas, all alliterations aside, adjourned and we allow.....Oh wth man. bye :P

And now, the best alliterative monologue of all time:

V: Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
[carves V into poster on wall]
V: The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
[giggles]
V: Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.
Evey Hammond: Are you like a crazy person?
V: I am quite sure they will say so. But to whom, might I ask, am I speaking with?
Evey Hammond: I'm Evey.
V: Evey? E-V. Of course you are.
Evey Hammond: What does that mean?
V: It means that I, like God, do not play with dice and I don't believe in coincidences.

if anything upsets you, flash your ignorance and hope it goes away

2011-03-27T10:15:00.001-07:00

This.

It sounds funnier in urdu: post three

2011-03-26T08:38:00.000-07:00

[One] [Two]
This time I'm changing it up: PICK UP LINES!

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Kya tum pehle nazar main mohabbat main yaqeen karti ho, ya phir main dobara guzroon?

I hope you know CPR...cuz you take my breath away
Mujhe umeed hai ke tum CPR jaanti ho...kyunke tumhe dekh ke meri saans ruk jati hai.

Excuse me, I've lost my phone number - dya think I could have yours.
Maaf kijiye, mera phone number ghum gaya - aap ke khayal main main aap ka le sakta hoon?

Are you a lumberjack.... cause you give me wood.
Kya aap aik lakarhari hain .... kyunke aap mujhe lakri deti hain.

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) Because I could see myself in your pants.
Kya aap ki shalwar main aeena hai? (kyun?) kyunke main apne aap ko aap ki shalwar main dekh sakta hoon.

Hey I'm looking for treasure, Can I look around your chest?
Oye main khazana dhoondh raha hoon, main aap ke seenay ke ird gird dekh sakta hoon?

Did it hurt? (What) When you fell from heaven.
Kya aap ko dard hua? (Kya?) jab aap jannat se gireen.

Hey do you have an extinguisher cause your on FIRE!
Oye kya aap ke paas extinguisher hai kyunke aap pe aag lagi hui hai!

Drop The Zero And Get With a Hero!
Sifar ko garao aur hero ke saath hojao.

I'd like to hit that.
Main uss ko maarna pasand karoon ga.

sauce

Virginia Woolf

2011-03-24T05:55:00.000-07:00

Even before actually getting to reading her, I've liked Virginia Woolf. It's probably because of her cool name. I mean, hello, everyone knows how I'm just predisposed to like anyone whose name is Woolf/Wolff. Other than that, she was a woman who wrote. Other than that, she was a modern writer.

Anyhow so I was just going along fine and dandy liking-Woolf-before-reading-her until my lit teacher was all like YOU GUYS, READ VIRGINIA WOOLF. READ THIS STORY. And so she read out the first paragraph of The Lady in the Looking-Glass: A Reflection:

People should not leave looking-glasses hanging in their rooms any more than they should leave open cheque books or letters confessing some hideous crime. One could not help looking, that summer afternoon, in the long glass that hung outside in the hall. Chance had so arranged it. From the depths of the sofa in the drawing-room one could see reflected in the Italian glass not only the marble-topped table opposite, but a stretch of the garden beyond. One could see a long grass path leading between banks of tall flowers until, slicing off an angle, the gold rim cut it off.

I'd read it (the first para) a couple of times before, and hadn't got past it. But then I sat down later and read the story and it blew my mind. What's so special about it? Okay, one: style. Two: the ending. Three: The way she says what she's saying. Yes, that's style but still...the technical element aside, it's — just — a sort of ingenuity that's underneath it. Artistic judgement — yes, that's the term I was looking for. Very good artistic judgement this one had. The length I'm not a huge fan of but otherwise brilliant, yaar.

So I got A Haunted House from the library like a week back and it's "The Complete Shorter Fiction". So far I've only been able to read the first four stories: Phyllis and Rosamond, The Mysterious Case of Miss V., The Journal of Mistress Joan Martyn and Memoirs of a Novelist. The first two were pretty good. You know what, Woolf sneaks up on you, kinda, and catches you off guard. It's really awesome how she does that, because when you've got a short story it's a whole different ball game. The dynamics of a short story have to be handled just right to keep the suspense and surprise intact.

I think someone else reading the same stories may not find them so amazing. But if you put it all into perspective, you see her as one of the early awesome feminist writers. Her thoughts, at those time...well, they were somewhat revolutionary. She was, basically, kick-ass and willing to fight her case. In Three Guineas (non-fiction), she explained her case, in detail, about womens' rights.

While reading these stories I came across some truly remarkable sentences. As a fan of well-constructed sentences, I was truly delighted:

Living in a poor neighbourhood, the obvious profession for a woman in those days was to do good; and Miss Willatt devoted herself at first with exemplary vigour.
'The Soul' became her province, and she deserted the Southern plains for a strange country draped in eternal twilight, where there are qualities without bodies.
As a child I know the stark white figures [graves] used to frighten me: especially when I could read that they bore my name; but now that I know that they never move from their backs, and keep their hands crossed always, I pity them; and would fain do some small act that would give them pleasure. It must be something secret, and unthought of – a kiss or a stroke, such as you give a living person.

MINDBLOWINGGGGGG!

BTW her endings are really cool too [the third one is the ending of The Journal of Mistress Joan Martyn]. Do read something by her and tell me how you liked it. One of you will obvs be cool enough to tell me you've read her novels (which I still haven't got to), and then I'll be like WAOW YOU ARE k3WL.

p.s. Virginia Woolf for some reason reminds me of Sylvia Plath even though they have nothing in common other than being women writers+depressed+awesome+suicidal. Sylvia Plath is another writer I love, and autostraddle just wrote an article about her so you should read it.

[Copyrighted content in this post used only for educational purposes and for the purposes of PROMOTING GOOD LITERATURE]

pls help me with webdesign

2011-03-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

Hello people. If any one of you is useful as a tech person, I would be grateful if you'd help me out with something. I'm planning to add a page to this blog, where I'll add all the poems I like (yes I'm that gay and you probably are too if you read this blog). I've got a clear idea of how I'd like the page to be: like a workflowy list. You click on a poet, it opens up a list of poems. You click on the poem and you get the text. Nice na? Now help me make one. I don't want to add a bunch of links together. I want the flash/script thing as it is on workflowy. If you can help me integrate workflowy into my blog, that'd be useful too (I hope).

this song is stuck in my head

2011-03-22T06:26:00.000-07:00

I like this song because it's different/quirky. Also probably because it starts off with some notes off the Darth Vader theme :D
Lyrics

Q. I love 'Your Woman' BUT what is it about??? Are you a man/woman/transsexual?

Ans. Ummmm...well, that's a toughie. When I wrote it, I was trying to write a catchy pop song that had more than one perspective. Although it's written in the first person that viewpoint isn't the same as it may
sound. So, these are *some* of the things it's about:
Being a member of an orthodox Trotskyist / Marxist movement (as I was for three years in the 80s).
Being a straight guy in love with a lesbian (ditto).
Being a gay guy in love with a straight man.
Being a straight girl in love with a lying, two-timing, fake-ass Marxist.

the perfect notebook

2011-03-20T05:39:00.000-07:00

NOTEBOOKS ARE AWESOME. I'm the sort of person who is far more interested in buying notebooks than filling them up. Unfortunately a lot of the notebooks in the market do not conform to my exhaustive-yet-completely-sensible list of demands, so I don't end up buying any. Instead I resort to buying extra school notebooks and filling their boring lined paper up with stuff I should be filling up sexy, creamy paper with and then feel sad.

I've had three notebooks so far, and am nearing the end of my fourth.

I fill my notebooks with poems, prose, ideas, quotes, lines from songs. I hardly ever doodle, not being much of a doodler. More of a ponderer, I write down thoughts that feel like revelations before I forget them.

My first notebook was all poems, just one prose piece. On the front I'd pasted an Oscar Wilde quote, the irony of it not lost on me (I savoured it instead): Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. In the back, crazy drawings bloomed all over the page, intersected with random lines/quotes.

My second was also mostly poems, with a letter here or there. On the back I wrote a poem about being a writer. My third was better organized initially, with the lines in the bottom left out for tagging so I could find things faster. I think my third notebook (a recycled planner) was the most fun. On the front, in silver marker, I wrote my name. On the back, I wrote I LIE, STEAL AND STALK. I got pissed off with the boring cover of my current one and unwisely attacked it with a black pen. It didn't become a black cover, it's just gray criss-crossed wildly with black -_-

I'm still trying to figure out a way to effectively organize my writing because I go all crazy-ass and then I can't find things.

On the back of all my notebooks are stickers off the caps of Uniball Signo pens, which are the kind I use because they're awesome. They're like little markers for the amount of ink that's been used up over the course of the notebook.BTW, the Uniball people are nice enough to help you find the perfect pen.

my preciousssss

Anyhow, time to get to The Perfect Notebook.

Size: 8x5? What size is a moleskine?

Cover: I like leatherbound. But it could be the sturdy, shiny plastic material instead because leatherbound has issues if you get it wet. I want MCR on the cover. Or t&s.

Paper: Smooth (or slightly grainy, actually), creamy white paper. Not the shit kind that looks great but which the ink bleeds through. Plain, unlined paper alternating with graph paper/lined paper. Plastic tabs to make additional sections.

Inside Cover: More MCR/t&s. Inside pockets.

Binding: STITCHED. No spirals, staples are okay; three-ring binding is okay too. No glue.

Linkspam: Pac-man notebooks. A blog about notebooks which you should def. stalk.

Do you love notebooks? Do you have notebooks? Have you ever had a notebook? TELL MEEEEEE

i like school

2011-03-19T03:19:00.000-07:00

I confess: I really like school.

Not in the nerdy sense, though I don't think that that's necessarily worthy of the degradation that we attach to it. I just really like it. It's not that I don't have a social life or things to do at home or whatever. It's just...

I really prefer school. I like the sense of security I have when I'm there. And that's really important because when I get home I'm exposed to the news and other crap, troubles. I like the fact that though outside people might be building up forces of hate and frustration, in the school we're protected from it.

I've reached a mental and emotional state where I've realized that I really don't give a crap about what's going on in the country. I'm sick of it, the same old rigmarole, the same old buildup-climax-anticlimax of emotions that is what Pakistani politics has been since, well, a reeeally long time. It's the same: is it a dictatorship? oh, dictators are bad. Is it a democracy? oh, the leader sucks. We have a problem with the leader. The elections were rigged. This isn't the true leader. The policy is not islamic enough. Then there's the obligatory "crisis" that takes place every few months or so; everyone's made to get worked up about it and then nothing happens and then something else comes along and we have to direct all our hate towards that. Nothing ever happens. I think I'm in a perpetual state of anomie as a result of disenchantment with the rules. I don't know what's right or what's wrong; I just know with this sickening sense of impending tragedy that in all likelihood, something bad's gonna happen and everyone who's not a player is going to get sucked into it. We, the public, pay for the philandering of our politicians. Does that make you mad? Well, nothing's coming out of it. Keep your head down and move on. Better to ignore all of it than getting involved and killed and becoming the next crisis or the next not-crisis.

At school you live by rules. Really stupid rules sometimes, yes. But most of the rules make sense. You understand the system; sometimes you wish that was how it was all over, in spite of the drawbacks like favouritism and the authoritarianism.

At school, you learn. You're rewarded for being knowledgeable, resourceful, smart. You're surrounded by people around you who must also follow the same rules as yourself.

It seems super idealistic and even stupid on a level to like school. But reality is better! Because it's real! is the argument against liking a protected bubble. But what's reality? bullets? If I grow desensitized to everything....how can I hold on to any sense?

misrepresenting pakistan

2011-03-18T03:57:00.000-07:00

There are some uniquely annoying people who seem to have emerged of late (but actually they've been around a long time, and seem to spring up at opportune moments) and I feel compelled to write about them because they annoy me by intruding upon the turf I love and hold to be sacred — literary events. Oh, you know the type — you've probably seen these people lurking in the shadows, smiling widely, waiting for the opportune moment to strike. They'll sit in the audience, maybe holding the book of the author who's speaking, and bide their time until the q/a session when. they. will. explode.

Their questions are somewhat like this: why are you misrepresenting pakistan? why are you using pakistan as a brand name? Most of these questions aren't even questions: they're accusations. You are misrepresenting pakistan, Kamila Shamsie. You are elitist. Mohsin Hamid, not everyone in Lahore is a charsi, you have misrepresented pakistan, haw, now everyone will think we are all charsis, potential fundos and the type to go skinny dipping with strange foreign women.You get the gist of the kind of rubbish these people come up with. Then they sit their self-important-but-representative-of-pakistan asses down and smirk, thinking they've won some kind of amazing battle and that all the fans of the books will suddenly become conscious that they've been cheated by the authors.

I genuinely hate such people. Not because they're "attacking" my favourite books and authors, no; I don't even hold their criticisms as valid at all. It's just that, like I said before, they're plain annoying. You don't like the book? Don't read it. If you read it and felt misrepresented, so what? Nobody gives a fuck. Is A Case of Exploding Mangoes titled A Case of Exploding Mangoes: A Clear and Definitive Guide to Pakistan and Everything In It? No. It's a novel. It's not supposed to be representative you idiots. It's the novelist's view. Since when are you supposed to be representative in fiction? It's not journalism, ffs (and anyhow, speaking of journalism, I think everyone knows how biased that little oasis of objectivity is).

Also there's some uncles and aunties who are all like suspicious and confused (sometimes, in undertones, they hint at some Grand Conspiracy Theory) because of Pakistani fiction being all k3wl in the literary world. Why, they wanna know. Then they think authors are exploiting Pakistan. I can think of a single name in the Pakistani literary scene who is doing just that. But still, I won't say OMG YOU R LEIK EXPLOITING PAKISTAN?!! I will say your book is crap and the only reason it's selling is because of a fluke. The fact is that the book in question is of little literary value (more important than being representative!!!) if at all, and that's not very surprising seeing how the author is a guy who thinks books are like coca-cola. Ass. That one I felt cheated at, because his stories are pretty crappy AND his writing isn't that great AND he's cashing in on the exoticness and using that rather than focussing on the story itself. But other writers, who create magic and show you how they see Pakistan? You can't just stand up and say, Your Pakistan is not Pakistan. You can't go up to Gabriel Garcia Marquez and say, Hey, why're you cashing in on all of this Spanish writing craze? Because anyone who knows jack about literature and writing will know from reading a book a) its real value b) there is a thing as the author's artistic judgement c) this whole business of writing about any part of society other than the elite is a fairly recent one. Max. a couple of hundred years ago, most literature was from the elite class. You wanna be representative of Pakistan? Stop asking the writers to do so for you. Write your own friggin book about whatever it is that's making you so antsy and then we'll see. Sure, George Orwell went and lived with the poor to get to know about them. But he did it of his own accord. No bourgeois pompous person came up to him and said WHY DON'T YOU WRITE ABOUT THE POOR. You can't say that was his inspiration. Inspiration comes from within. If something's misrepresentative then that's not because the author's looking at it the wrong way; it's because you probably are reading the book wrong. If Shamsie doesn't write about slum life it's maybe because her artistic judgement tells her not to. Or maybe she doesn't want to. Go read Bina Shah's Slum Child if that's what's up your alley.

Finally: Interesting thing I've noted: Everyone talks about the poor. On tv. In discussions. But how many of these people actually do anything? Political parties fight over how the poor can be helped. But who helps them?

ALSO the people who will tell you that you are being bourgeois/a book is bourgeois/whatever will just smirk and think they're awesome but actually the fact that they can read makes them fairly bourgeois in our society. All these fake marxists annoy me almost as much as capitalism does.

It sounds funnier in urdu: post two

2011-03-18T02:54:00.000-07:00

Hi! Are you new here? Here's the first post of this series, and it explains the whole idea too.
For everyone else, gear up and get ready to guess.

ONE
Main ne itni mehnat ki, aur itna agay pohoncha.
Magar akhir main koi farq naheen parta...
Mujhe sab gawane ke liye girna para,
Magar akhir main koi farq naheen parta.

Linkin Park's In The End
I tried so hard, and got so far.
But in the end it doesn't even matter.
I had to fall to lose it all.
But in the end it doesn't even matterrrrr.

TWO
aur mere haath upar hain,
woh mera gana baja rahe hain,
mujhe pata hai ke main theek hojaoon gi,
Haan, amreeka main dawaat hai,
Haan, amreeka main dawaat hai.

Did you get it? I don't know the lyrics, I just know the song is popular and so I got the lyrics off the internet. So, SHAME FOR GETTING IT RIGHT AND COOL POINTS FOR NOT KNOWING IT.

Miley Cyrus's Party in the USA.
And I got my hands up,
They're playing my song
I know I'm gonna be ok
Yeah, it's a party in the USA
Yeah, it's a party in the USA

Ernestly speaking I get kicks out of such things

2011-03-13T01:55:00.000-08:00

I AM AWESOME. Also, please reply to the ad.

this post is about Kamila Shamsie too

2011-03-12T00:35:00.000-08:00

I was really bored and sleepy and had an ice-cream stick and wanted to do calligraphy. Except I'm not too good at it.

It reads: I don't believe in first sight, and neither do you. But I know, and after today you know also, that sometimes it takes only a few minutes to recognize that a person is capable of breaking your heart. Sorry, the ie got cut off from Kamila Shamsie. The quote is from Salt and Saffron, a book everyone should read because it's awesome and by Kamila Shamsie and honestly I think I talk too much about Kamila Shamsie and Milan Kundera but it is because I love them so much and you should too. I actually get traffic from people searching for KS which is awesome and this post is for them and for everyone who reads KS.

I actually really just need an excuse to talk about KS. Why so? Because, well, this is the first sentence of Salt and Saffron:

All right, don't scoff, mock, or disbelieve: we live in mortal fear of not-quite twins.

I know this line by heart. Which isn't to say much, but still. The next chapter starts off with this sentence:

Yak's milk is green.

Honestly. Doesn't that make you want to read her? Here's more quotes.

I'm leaving the comments open to anyone who wants to say anything about KS, or her books (which one's your favourite? Why?). Please throw your favourite quote at me (one of my current favourites is Your neo-imperialism anticipates my post-colonialism — LULZ). ALSO if you remember your first KS book, tell me about the experience. The first time I read KS was when I was like, 12, and I couldn't get through Salt and Saffron. Then I read it again after a couple of years, realized what an idiot I'd been at 12, and since then I've read and re-read and re-re-read and given it to people to read and it still remains one of my favourite books. It gets better each time, as I've said before.

A friend of mine and I actually have this whole thing about KS and whenever we feel like it we go all quote-reference on each other and it's pretty cool. Just a couple of days ago (I re-read S&S this week), I was on the part where Aliya and Sameer are at Sea View and the guy with a tray of sweets comes around going all cheeng-gum, chaklaait, bubbly-gum and after lol'ing for a whole minute I imagined KS at Sea View, with this amused expression on her face, taking in all the sights and thinking, Well, this is gonna go in my book. How can I express the delight I feel when I see Karachi in print? It's just amazing. There's a part in Kartography when she talks about The jet with the flame coming out of its ass and when I read it the first time I laughed so hard my family thought I'd lost it, even though I'd been laughing pretty much like that throughout Kartography. Then I told them about what I'd read and they remembered and it was awesome.

OH BTW. Have you all read the piece she did for Granta? Read it here. It's awesome.

it sounds funnier in urdu: post one

2011-03-11T02:30:00.000-08:00

Hello folks. I've come up with a brilliant idea to entertain all of you. lol jk, it's a brilliant idea to entertain only the bilingual (whoops, almost typed out bisexual there) Pakistanis out there who read my blog. No, I don't mean the ones who can speak English and French (if you can read those, why're you bothering with my blog? Go read some French literature, Shehrazade). I mean the Urdu/English ones.

Sigh, I'm so distracted right now.

ANYHOW you know how everything translated sounds really kooky in Urdu? I decided to do a special feature about it. It was originally meant to be a separate blog but since I can't handle three blogs I just decided to add it in here as a special post thingy.

No offence meant to Urdu, by the way. I'm one of those people who translate things really badly and ended up having hilarious and creative translations for O-level Urdu Syllabus B. If you know anyone like that, or if you are one of those fine people, just say so in the comments and give me a post idea if you like. Or you can guest post. Hurray!

There's going to be two choice stanzas to start off It Sounds Funnier in Urdu (not associated with It Sounds Better with a British Accent, unfortunately. Yes, I'm painfully aware of how colonial these two sound). Basically, it's much better when read as a guessing game! I give you the Urdu first, then you read the English and ROFL because a) it sounds so funny b) I've done a terrible job translating it. Then we can vote on how much of the meaning was lost in translation.

ONE

Hae Khuda,
Mujhe apna darja-e-hararat barhta hua mehsoos horaha hai
Barhta hua, barhta hua,
Woh meri rooh tak jal raha hai.

Larki, larki, larki,
Tum mujhe aag laga do gi.
Mera dimagh jal raha hai,
Naheen pata ke kidhar jaoon...

Any guesses? Are you read for the answer?

IT'S BURNING LOVE! BY ELVIS! Jalta hua pyaar!

Lord Almighty,
I feel my temperature rising
Higher higher
It's burning through to my soul

Girl, girl, girl
You gonna set me on fire
My brain is flaming
I don't know which way to go

TWO

[Name of a girl; also song name] meri mehbooba naheen hai;
Woh sirf aik larki hai
Jo kehti hai keh main woh hoon.
Woh kehti hai ke main woh hoon, magar woh bacha meri beta naheen hai.

Yes? This one was easy, right?

Billie Jean! By Michael Jackson!

Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

CAST YOUR VOTES ON THE POLL I MADE IN THE RIGHT SIDEBAR KPLSTHXBAI

reblog: SAY NO - UNiTE to End Violence against Women

2011-03-09T02:33:00.000-08:00

English | Español | Français

Dear friends,

On the 100th anniversary of International Women’s Day, we have combined the power of technology and knowledge to give you a new way to Say NO to violence against women and girls.

Take the Say NO - UNiTE Quiz to test your knowledge! Every point you score counts towards the global action counter and builds momentum. The quiz will also be available in French and Spanish soon!

Prevention starts with awareness. Take the quiz and get the word out – share it with your friends, post it on Facebook, tweet to test others using #saynoquiz.

Everyone has a role to play in ending violence against women. We are counting on you to play yours!

Say NO Team, UN Women

the envelope said it was from the US Dept of Energy

2011-03-08T02:28:00.000-08:00

soooooooo guess what I got in the post today.

This:

yup, a poster on human genome landmarks and stuff. Don't really recall ordering it but the good folks over at the US Dept of Energy sent it to me. Thank you. It is in my room and I feel cool now.

we are all heroes in our hearts

2011-03-06T09:35:00.000-08:00

sometimes I feel like I'm a character in a story.

I remember some fragments of what my literature teacher said about Tennessee Williams' characters and how they desperately try to be the heroes of their own stories. Or did she say that about everyone? I'm sure we all try to be like that.

I hate giving A Streetcar Named Desire any credit but I think I'm starting to get it better now...was rereading Salt and Saffron, and it says, ...but four years ago, desire was an abstraction for me... and at that part's so right. Forget four years ago, think four hours ago or even four minutes. You look at someone, you feel the tug of something you'd like to think of as destiny. You bargain and plead with yourself and a god you don't believe in and karma and whatnot just to imagine you and that person together. It's weird.

You really want to be the hero of your story. You also want to succeed. You don't always. Then you bargain and plead with yourself and a god you don't believe in and karma and whatnot just to preserve your ego. Somedays you glimpse that chink in your armour. Sometimes you realize that you are not the hero, that you have little or no control, that no-matter-what you're slipping and sliding into shit you don't wanna get into. You think, I am above this.Then you go ahead and do it anyway. The audience sighs. They sympathize as one urge pulls at you and the other tears you apart. That's what you want.

Then one morning you wake up and realize that you just might be a tyrant. The audience hates you. They understand you but they still hate you. You're not the hero; you're a pathetic, torn-apart character. Or you're the villain. Out of the corner of your eyes you spy them grinning at your downfall. And then there's silence in your heart, in your head. Your vision's blank. You stagger and fall, and then there's the curtain.

this post is really pointless because that's just how my life is right now

2011-03-04T08:00:00.000-08:00

I WROTE A POEM ABOUT FRERE HALL BECAUSE I'M AWESOME LIKE THAT.

on another note, feel a dip coming up in my overall emotional status. haw.

mujhe coffee chaheeyay. i think the school nurse thinks i'm a panadol extra junkie. i wish i could finish writing my stupid play. i wish i was good at art. i wish i was less of a bad weirdo and more of a good weirdo. hae.

coffee. coffee. coffee. coffee. coffee. coffee. i'm going to marry the owner of a cafe, i swear. we are going to be happy forever. as long as i'm caffeinated and fed and have books to read i'm perfectly lovely so we shall be together forever. bas scene awn.

my god, living that long must be such a travel

2011-03-01T05:21:00.000-08:00

I'm volunteering at CAP (Citizen's Archive of Pakistan) this week, to help out for this exhibition:

For those who don't know about CAP and what it does, it's basically the most kick-ass non-profit in Pakistan. In fact, here's my list of awesome non-profits:

1. CAP
2. T2F

CAP basically records the history of Pakistan. They've got photographs, memorabilia and loads and loads of historically valuable information through interviews. Actually, they've got a lot more than just these things but this is all I can remember right now so :(

But yes, a place like this exists. I was there yesterday and met the head of the oral history dept and she told me about a really cool princess who was the third muslim woman to get a license to fly a plane. She also dressed up as a man and shot tigers.

While I was talking to her I was all like 0_0 I WANNA MEET THIS PERSON! I mean, really, kick-ass people like this existed. Honestly. Tiger-killing plane-flying princesses.

God, nothing I ever do can ever compare with that.

At KLF Kamila Shamsie talked about how (and think of Hiroshima and Nagasaki here, because that's kinda where it branched off from) cities have not just been destroyed in the physical sense over the course of history; they've had their pasts and futures, multiple futures, wiped out. And when I think of Karachi over the past thirty years I think, wow. But when you factor in the story of a ninety-one year old lady who used to cycle to Frere Hall from Garden just to go to the library there — can you grasp how much we've lost?

Anyhow, I want all of ya'll to show up at Frere Hall because it's a huge friggin deal that this exhibition is taking place there at all. Frere Hall's been closed to the public since forever, and taking pictures over there has been banned. This may, sadly, be one of the few opportunities you may have to go there. It's one of the most beautiful places in Karachi.

Imagine living that long. Imagine living till eighty. Even if you don't go anywhere, if you just stay put here in Karachi (or wherever you are) — wow. You'll witness so much, so many cities in one...so many pasts, so many futures. Is this the Karachi of forty years ago? Most definitely not. Hey look, there's Mohatta Palace, and there's Clifton Beach, and there's good old Quaid-e-Azam ka mazaar — where, did you know, you can get raped — and there's Saddar and yep, that's Nazimabad, those are the mountains there, except it's much bigger, isn't it, yes, those areas are all populated, Karachi stretches from here till Johar and beyond. All that desert part? Inhabited.

Can we still walk to cinemas unaided? Nope. In your eighty years you've been transported into a completely different land with faces that are familiar but different — and somehow that's worse, isn't it? You see the beautiful façades and how they've been ripped, raped and ruined, and somehow what you have isn't what you knew, it's a horribly distorted version of it.

My god, living that long must be such a travel.

Of course not everyone who lives till eighty (or ninety) gets as cynical as I am (child of the nineties, cynic is thy name) and you still hear of really cool people who're still cheerful and have an optimistic outlook. Good for them, they've braved their journey and they've come out happy.

Because at the end of it all, living that long must be such a travel.

The Girl Effect

2011-03-01T03:49:00.000-08:00

An important message, beautifully conveyed.

^_^

2011-02-27T05:21:00.000-08:00

extractions

2011-02-26T04:23:00.000-08:00

They'd lost my form and I was running short on patience so I got them to make me another.

The dentist sits, pen poised. She reminds me of someone I know, it's a little bit of her features and a little bit of her disposition (and some sense of loss on my side too, I suppose), and these things mix and heighten the effect. She asks me questions, and I answer. I wonder dully if it's a relative of the person I know, the resemblance, though faint, is strange...disorienting. What is my education? A levels, I say. She looks over at the options, and encircles 'M', I think. They don't have A levels as an option, so she encircled the next-best-thing. Extractions? Yes. Four. Do you have any of these diseases? No, no, no. Anaemia, that's all. Medication? ...not really... she looks up at me, instinctively curious. I take caffeine... Pills? No, just coffee. For headaches. We move on to family history. I'm uncomfortable telling all these things to a person I've just met. A sense of exposure nags, akin to the kind described in Kundera's Immortality. Doctors. They hold your life history in their hands in a way. Things you'd never tell your friends — either deliberately or just because you have no need to tell them — are things that your doctors know. Ever been hospitalized? Twice, when I was five. Typhoid.

These seem like small beans but through them the pattern of your life can be traced. It's scary, and it's in their hands. You may not tell your lover this, the fact that the most excruciatingly painful moment of your life was spent on a dentist chair as they pulled your teeth out with inadequate anaesthesia, but the dentist who fucked up will. Things you don't want to talk about, failings of your body, a list of times you almost died — all written neatly in your medical history files, possibly revealed when you gain fame (in life, or through a gristly death) — imagine the horror! Everyone gets to know. They know you had ear problems as a kid. They know that once your braces had to be taken out, mid-treatment, so you could get an MRI done. They know that you're fucked in a uniquely special, untreatable way. Small beans, but these are your moments of crisis, and some bored doctor who seems to be perpetually pissed off gets to know all about them as you answer, unwilling to tell, unable to withhold.

#misc

2011-02-26T03:41:00.000-08:00

i was just clearing out my phone and found the following things:

1. one of my favourite routines:

SYTYCD Season 6 Top 10: Jakob and Ellenore - Contemporary by Sonya Tayeh - "Tore My Heart" by OONA & Dave Tweedle

2. A golden piece of advice from Bia, who's currently advising me:

Duuuuude. You can be a professional:

STALKER
Waxing wali aunty
Pimp
Midwife
Pamphlet Distributor

3. "Tiger in the bathroom (take out before going to be brown)" — an sms that combines two of the silliest sentences Zainab'd and I have heard in a month: 'Tiger in the bathroom', which is something we overheard in the school bus and declared the epitome of randomness, and 'take out before going to be brown', which was the third instruction on a paparh packet.

4. Something about beifh day. Oh, I think that's eid-ul-azha.

5. Holy fuck I just realized that Aloo still has my books. The ones which I gave to her two years ago.

6. I think I had something to share here. OH YEAH, just remembered it. Next post.

7.
A great philosopher once said
.
.
.
.
.
"MODEL THROUGH IT"

8. What happens when you lose a life on Indian Minute to Win It?
.
.
.
.
.

You get another life, but as a monkey. If you lose another life, you come back as an insect.

another post about a streetcar named desire: ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

2011-02-25T03:05:00.000-08:00

So I got a checklist off a counselling website and I've filled it out for Stella:

Many people think an abusive relationship is only when there is physical violence.

Physical abuse is easily recognizable as there are visible scars, cuts, bruises, and broken bones.

Emotional abuse has no visible scars. All of the bleeding, bruising and breaking occur internally - to the soul. Because the damage is invisible, emotional abuse is minimized and internalized. Often women who are being emotionally abused will think it’s all in her head. She is on a constant quest to figure out what she did wrong and blames herself. Her self-esteem is damaged, and she is on a slippery slope towards depression.

Abuse Checklist

Look over the following questions. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, when one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it’s abuse.

Does your partner....

YES Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?

IDK Put down your accomplishments or goals? Does Stella HAVE accomplishments/goals?

IDK Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?

YES Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?

NO Tell you that you are nothing without him/her?

YES Treat you roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?

YES Track your whereabouts by frequently calling you or showing up unexpectedly?

YES Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?

IDK Blame you for how he/she feels or acts?

IDK Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for? I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

YES Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship?

YES Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family?

YES Try to keep you from leaving or abandon you to "teach you a lesson" after an argument?

Do You...

YES Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?

YES Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?

IDK Believe that you can help your partner change if you change something about yourself?

YES Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

NO Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?

SOMETIMES Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

NO Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what he/she would do if you broke up?

Are You In An Abusive Relationship?

Read through the questions and then take a closer look at your relationship. You also may want to look for patterns by considering past relationships

IDK Do you feel like you don't have any power in your relationship?

NO Are you afraid to disagree?

YES Are you afraid of your partner's temper?

YES Are you constantly apologizing for your partner's behavior?

SORTA Are you justifying everything you do to avoid your partner's anger?

YES Are you being put-down by your partner and then being told that he/she loves you?

YES Are you being told not to see your friends and family?

YES Are you being told what to do?

NO Are you being forced or pressured to have sex?

IDK Are you afraid to say "no" to sex?

IDK Are you afraid to break up?

YES Is your partner saying he/she can't live without you?

YES Is your partner jealous and possessive toward you?

YES Does your partner try to control you?

YES Does your partner abuse alcohol or other drugs and/or pressure you to take them?

NO Does your partner blame you when he/she mistreats you?

IDK Does your partner have a history of bad relationships and blaming the other person for all of his/her problems?

YES Does your partner believe he/she should be in control all of the time?

YES Have your friends and/or family warned you about the person or told you they were worried for your safety?

YES Has your partner hit, kicked or shoved you or thrown things at you?

NO Have you been wrongly accused of flirting or having sex with someone else?

IDK Do you feel like you can't do anything without your partner's permission?

NO Does he/she tell you that he/she wants you all to himself/herself and not let you do anything on your own?

Essential Ingredients For A Healthy Relationship

What is your healthy relationship score?

For each of the eight categories below, rate your relationship from 0-10, with 10 being very good and 0 being very bad.

____1____	Negotiation *and Fairness* Each partner seeks mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict. They accept change and are willing to compromise.
____1_____	*Non-threatening Behavior* Each person talks and behaves so that his/her partner feels comfortable and safe expressing him/herself
____1_____	*Respect* Couples will value each other's opinions, listen to each other non-judgmentally, and provide emotional affirmation and understanding.
____1_____	*Trust and Support* Each partner supports the other's life goals, and respects their rights to their own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions.
____1_____	*Honesty and Accountability* Each partner takes responsibility for him/herself and communicates openly and truthfully.
____1_____	*Gender Equality* The relationship decisions are based on individual needs rather than gender.
____2_____	*Shared Responsibility* There is mutual agreement on a fair distribution of work and decision-making.
____3_____	*Economic Partnership* Money decisions are made together, and both partners benefit from financial agreements.
11	TOTAL SCORE

70-80 Great, it looks like you've got a good thing going. Shoot for 10's in every category!

60-69 You're doing fairly well, but there are definitely areas that could use some improvement.
Target the categories with the lowest scores, and try to identify with your partner ways in which you both can improve your health relationship score!

40-59 You might want to evaluate your needs and desires in this relationship. Consider seeing a counselor, if both partners are willing to look at changing for the better.

< 40 There is a serious imbalance of power in this relationship. If it continues like this, it can be very psychologically damaging to the partner who is being controlled. Continue to read more about domestic and dating violence.

WATCH THIS NOW.

2011-02-24T04:51:00.000-08:00

reaction:

omgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

i'm put off fat pashto women forever

...wait, i never liked fat pashto women :S

OH SO I REALLY DID LEARN NOTHING FROM THIS VIDEO.

HAHAHAHAH

on collegehumor

2011-02-20T02:39:00.000-08:00

I spend about 5% of my time online on collegehumor, which really sucks, because I wish it was more like 45%. The problem is, most of the time I forget about it or have only five minutes to check my mail.

Anyhow, my favourite writer over there is Susanna Wolff. She is awesome for three reasons:
1) Her name is Wolff. Seriously. Wolff.
2) She is a girl who writes and who actually writes funny things and she writes for collegehumor which is awesome.
3) She's really funny you guys, what more do you want!?

So. Go stalk her or something.
Collegehumor profile
Tumblr

p.s. one day I wish to write for collegehumor.
yes, this was a pointless post.

not all najias work for geo

2011-02-19T01:52:00.000-08:00

really lady? really?

undiscovered meanings

2011-02-11T11:53:00.000-08:00

at weird times of the day/night I realize what song lyrics mean.

lyrics are funny like that, because at one point in your life they mean something else and at another you add layers and it means something more.

but it's not just lyrics; it's certain types of books, too, that when you re-read you feel you've discovered something new within which you hadn't before. Salt and Saffron does that to me, as does The Reluctant Fundamentalist and Immortality (Kundera).

i suppose that with the very best of artists, who've put so much into their craft, it's to be expected.

what're your favourite books to re-read/song that blew your mind when you listened to it over a period of time, or after a period of time/~basically the same for any other art form that you enjoy?

spoilers for the spoilt: I hate a streetcar named desire.

2011-02-10T06:40:00.000-08:00

A Streetcar Named Desire has got to be one of the worst plays ever.

It's not badly written or whatever - in the stylistic sense, that is. But I have the following problems with it:

1. Stanley is basically a maila, maila rapist liar kutta.

2. I hate everyone in the play. I hate Stanley. I hate Stella. I hate all the New Orleans people. I don't hate Blanche but bad things happen to her. And that makes me pissed off.

3. Allan Grey is called weird things for being gay.

4. Stella stays with Stanley.

5. Mitch turns out to be a bitch who believes Stanley.

6. Stanley's a total kamina who cares less about his pregnant wife's wishes and more for his homeboy Mitch.

7. Stanley basically ruins any hope for betterment for Blanche because in spite of the fact that he's a slut he feels the need to warn Mitch about Blanche being a sex addict.

8. EVERYONE IS A GODDAMN SEX ADDICT IN THE PLAY.

and it somehow won a pulitzer. why.

karachi lit fest: a feelings summary/lovenote

2011-02-06T08:39:00.000-08:00

Karachi Lit Fest number two. I have so many feelings about it. I will try to discuss all of them.

Feeling #4: SMARTNESS

Yes, I felt a little smart. But not in the hey i'm so awesome kind of way. I mean the way you feel smart when you watch a really cool documentary or interview or read a really good book. Smart-by-association. Intelligence and awesome was in the air, man. People were having educated discussions about everything from Sufism to translated lesbian erotica. It's a rare thing, and I remember thinking yesterday, early in the morning, as I heard Karen Armstrong speak (all the seats had been taken, and I was standing wayyy at the back, trying to figure out what was going on), I thought, well, this has been worth the wait of a year.

Feeling #3: K3WLZN3ZZ, or, HEY LOOK AT ALL THE FOREIGN PEOPLE

Yes, yes, I know, how paindu of me.

But really. I felt loaded with k3wlz.

There were a few foreign writers and speakers. It was both refreshing and interesting to hear their points of view about the various topics of discussion.

Feeling #2: AWE

After the final discussion of today, which was moderated by Kamila Shamsie, I was sitting and talking to friends when a girl walked by. She was on the phone, and we overheard her excited words: I JUST MET KAMILA SHAMSIE!

Yup, that's basically, for me, captures awe. I also recall strong urges to scream HAMIIIIIIIIDDDDDDD! during the Mohsin Hamid session. Thankfully, these urges were supressed. But really, you're just walking around casually and between sessions you see writers and you think, Did I die and go to heaven?

Feeling #1: LOVE.

LOVE LOVE LOVE. And not even the Lady Gaga kind.

People. Everywhere. More than you expect. People who can barely walk showing up. Old, cute uncles determined to ask a million questions if possible. Audiences absorbed as writers read from their work. Really interesting questions. Moderators with British accents. Speakers with British, German, French accents. A foreign uncle smiling at a kid sitting one row up, pulling funny faces at him as a discussion about the writing of history without bias goes on. People pouring in large groups specifically to hear Karen Armstrong talk about compassion.

more later :)

yay update

2011-02-04T09:55:00.000-08:00

Hi guys! It's time for a proper update. This will be in like three parts.

Part 1: What's going on in my life

Ah. Nothing, really. I'm writing, that's good. My computer's still not fixed, which sucks. Test week's coming up, another bummer. Oooh! I read Watchmen, which is epic. And guess where I found it! IN THE SCHOOL LIBRARY. YES. How awesome is that? Very, I tell you.

Watchmen is kickass and you must read it. If you're in my school, just get it from the library and be awesome. Otherwise, it's available at Liberty and t2f. But it's freaking EXPENSIVE. Like HEY I'M A RICH KID SO I CAN AFFORD GRAPHIC NOVELS type expensive. Which is really unfair. I mean, if I could afford it, I'd buy it. But I can't, because HELLO I HAVE TO BUY OTHER BOOKS TOO. I'm a huge proponent of inexpensive books. I mean, really, why are books so expensive? It's not like anyone even reads them. But that's not even the point. The point is that a lot of writers are like, dead and I don't see why I should pay like Rs 500 just to buy their books. I'm all for giving money to living people.

But dead ones? I don't think so. It's stupid how George Orwell's family holds the rights to his books or something. GIVE ME A BREAK! THE MAN WAS A SOCIALIST.

Deep breath. Moving onnn.

OH, I'm finally eighteen now! Yay! Exciting. Now I can legally buy cigarettes.

...which shall deter me from buying them, of course. kinda. sorta. i hope.

God, I love women who smoke. Seriously. I mean like what? I read a statistic about Pakistani men and tobacco the other day. It was a high percentage, above 50 pc, definitely. Anyhow, Paki men are boring (THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!), so let's cut to the women. The kind that smoke are the awesome ones. They're the kind I want to frandsheep with.

[Enter: Smoking girl, ME

me: omg u r so deviant and k3wl can we be bffs

girl: fu

me: awesome!

Yes, I know, some while back my blog had an anti-smoking poster. But kya karien? 1) nobody reads this blog anyway & 2) I'm not actually promoting smoking ( It's bad, kids, don't do it), I'm just commenting on it. As a symbol, you know. Please don't start smoking because of me. You can social-smoke though, that's cool.

Just BTW, nicotine does exactly ZERO for me. Caff forever!

OK. Talk like Rorschach now. No articles. Disjointed sentences. Fun.

OMG!! IDEA!! (this is the result of too much Shakespeare this term)

Presenting...

RORSCHACH...IN PETAMETER.

Rorschach:

Rorschach's journal, February Fourth, tw'n

Eleven. Went to school today. Went to

The immortal man to tell him that some'ne

Plans to kill him (this is so cool!). Then came

Home & did this. Ha-ha! OKTHXBAI.

[Exit, chased by a bear.

YOU GUYS. Exit, chased by a bear has to be the most epic Shakespeare moment ever.

KARACHI LITERATURE FESTIVAL THIS WEEK

2011-01-29T01:36:00.000-08:00

YOU GUYS!! KARACHI LITERATURE FESTIVAL!!

Time	05 February at 09:30 - 06 February at 21:00

Location	Carlton Hotel D.H.A Karachi, Pakistan

Created by:	Ameena Saiyid

More info	The 2nd Karachi Literature Festival is being organized by Oxford University Press Pakistan, the British Council, and Asif Farrukhi. The first of its kind in Pakistan, the Festival is open to the public, free, and features authors writing in English, Urdu, and Sindhi. The Festival provides a platform for dialogue between Pakistan and the rest of the world, promoting contemporary writing and thought from Pakistan, and bringing contemporary writing and thought from around the world to local Pakistani audiences. Special events at this year's Festival are aimed at discovering emerging talent through a short story writing competition, developing writers through a creative writing workshop, and paying tribute to Faiz Ahmed Faiz in the year of his 100th birth annniversary. An Oxford Prize of Rs 100,000 will be given to a Pakistani/Pakistani-origin author for the best non-fiction book in English, published in 2010. The jury comprises Zubeida Mustafa, Ghazi Salahuddin, and Dr. Jaffer Ahmad. Founders: Ameena Saiyid, Asif Farrukhi, and the British Council Tentative Programme at this web link https://docs0.google.com/document/d/1cGxyzazWTCSKKxBhBbmZDVOUpMZWKr3ZDLbDpyDHMW4/edit?hl=en A website is coming in a few days, and a Youtube channel will be launched after the festival is over, to broadcast festival events. Facebook community page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Karachi-Literature-Festival/172150596162869

FER REALS? FER REALS. I can barely keep my pants on cause it rocks the chaddis off anyone in Karachi who cares about literature.

I went last year. It was amazing+awesome. Is there a word for that? amawesome? No?

I met Mohsin Hamid (!!!!!) and Mohammad Hanif (!) and it was full of literate people who read books (those two sets do not always overlap, believe me) and who act civilized. It had discussions about Pakistan and books and Karachi and I even attended discussions about Urdu literature and I wasn't even bored because it was awesome and I saw feminist urdu poetry writing cute aunties. It made me really, really happy.

I know that at the end of any event that goes by people are all like There should be more events like this blah blah very well organized yada yada but I shit you not, this is The Event of The Year and it's truly made of awesome.

Last year this really emo uncle tried to diss Mohsin Hamid and then bijli chali gai and the uncle's mic obvs stopped working and EVERYONE IN THE ROOM CLAPPED/HOOTED. Do you know what that means? It means that the universe, during the festival, actually deals out justice. The event is fucking magical. You don't mess with the Hamid on KLF days or you get what you deserve. What happens on ordinary days, you ask? On normal days, you're not surrounded by awesome people who will defend good writing. And that really sucks. You realize just how much when you go to KLF.

So, you have to come, no matter who you are! As long as you can read and as long as you're in Karachi on the days, there's no solid reason for you to miss it.